Today I worked late. In the morning I read Natsuo Sekikawa's "The encyclopedia of late stages of the human life 2004-07". This book made me think about how I should get older or mature. I will be 47 this year but can't feel that I've got mature well. This is sad but I still am single and live by my ever-changing moods so still have childish character. Indeed I don't read light novels. I read old-school literature. I listen to old and cool Jazz instead of popular music. I can't follow new releases. I can notice such changes.
Famous people's life Sekikawa's encyclopedia describes reminds me of Chaplin's great words "Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot." Sekikawa's heartwarming writing which tells me various life by birds eye has its unique taste. The person who got big success at their young age as Francoise Sagan had trouble at their late stage. What is success? We can't say that "success must be a source of happiness" by reading this.
Once I believed that success must be happiness strictly. Becoming bigger. I just wanted to be a writer and that was all. If I couldn't become, my life was just nonsense. And I faced the fact that I couldn't be. My life had no worth... I thought so and had drunk a lot. I even wished the death. Now I don't have such nonsense. I would still be nobody, but I live this nobody's life with a lot of trials and errors. I'm living with that kind of struggle and enjoying this given life. I can feel it.
Ah, I wished I would die, and I just lived by inertia. I lived with a lot of alcohol and the belief in slow suicide. But I couldn't die soon and survived at this age. I couldn't imagine how my 40s would be. Now I got arrived in my 40s and am surprised that I can't imagine how my future, 5 years ahead or 10 years ahead will be. Probably even if I get my 50s or 60s, I won't be able to get mature and still think bullshit ideas in my mind, just listening to Pizzicato Five and reading Yoshio Kataoka's old-fashioned essays.