Today my company had the chance to check every employee's health condition. I remember the past. When I was a heavy drinker, I couldn't control my eating and drinking. I ate a lot, drank a lot, and couldn't listen to the doctor's recommendation not to drink so much... At that period, I could die anytime. Yes, I thought so. Anytime, I could die because I had no worth to be born in this world. I was born on the 3rd of July. This is the same as Kafka. That Kafka had passed away when he was 40. I also believed that if I could die at the same age. That is the meaning of obeying my destiny. And I survived even if I got 40. This year I will be 47.
At that 40 I could stop drinking alcohol. And I met an important woman at the meeting about autism and fell in love (even if it was just a one-sided love). It tells me that 40 was the turning point of my life. This is exactly the meaning of 'obeying my destiny'. Now, I'm trying to do the things I couldn't do in my 20s and 30s. I am watching movies once I couldn't watch because of alcohol... Now, I think that I can't die. I want to make a success of the project I am holding with some important people, and I can't make them sad. This might sound weird, but I started thinking that my fate was not just mine, but the product of my collaboration with them.
Today we had an English conversation class. We did some simulations of flights to go abroad and made conversations in English. I don't have a habit of going travel, and also I have never been outside of Japan so I couldn't offer good ideas because of the lack of knowledge. I would go to Hong Kong or Taiwan if I could go. But I had no money and also can't make a proper plan to go (If I went abroad, I would have to book a hotel. I also have to get the tickets to move and reserve the restaurant to enjoy the meals. I have to do all those things by myself. Travelling must be a great project for me). So I enjoy this situation and don't move. My life would end without going anywhere.
We have the word "Ressentiment". This is the concept of Nietzsche. This is a curse for strong people I heard. If so, I am already living in the world of Nietzsche's philosophy. I envied the people who have money and (this must sound rude) women, and also got mad about the inequality among the Japanese people which was brought about by the politic of Japan... I still sometimes feel such negative feelings, but I want to live carefully even if I had such negativity. This must sound too cool but I say that living such a funny life carefully and 'obeying my destiny' must be the 'sweet revenge' I might be able to achieve in my life.
keeping every day's little thought
I make words of true words and
like spreading the heat of lives straightly
look at the springing branches that flip snow
(Kenji Ozawa, 'the scene of Angels')
