BGM: Lenny Kravitz - Stand By My Woman
This morning a friend on Discord asked to me as "Hey disco cat, why do you write your journal?". It's a difficult question to answer for me because it is too primal. Basically, I have been bullied or suffered because of losing any faith in every relationship, therefore I have had a huge difficulty of making friendship during this life. Now, I am having a lot of friends everywhere. Discord, MeWe, Facebook, and this real world. That's because of that past illness I had to face. And, I started my diary because I just wanted to share my life with those friends who are in this whole world (yes, this might sound too hugely but they are in all over the world. France, Indonesia, Brazil, etc). In other words, there is no any huge idea except that. Just I want to show this strange person's honest life and that's an ultimate pleasure for me. I want to let you know some Japanese language's basic knowledge, some pieces of funny Japanese culture, or a page of a romantic bookaholic and pervert person's life.
Recently I have been suffered from a mental pollution. Having chaos in my head, and being tired completely. TBH my mother had sent me a LINE message, but I couldn't answer properly therefore my mother felt something from that. A friend sent me a LINE message about that. Ah, great inspiration of her. Or as an ancient Japanese idiom says, "mothers are great". Today I met my mother at AEON and talked a lot face to face. I remember... after I graduated from a university, I couldn't be a hikikomori so started my work. But I had to face severe problems at that workplace (at that period, I couldn't imagine what an autism should be. That's out of my imagination). My parents didn't understand me so they said "quit such a pitiful job", "try to be a square government staff". But I accepted that advice from them as "too much", so I kept on working. I felt almost dead with my work... at last, my mind got broken up, and tried to end everything.
Oh, when I met some "trendy" theory of "adult children", I thought it must be the source of my problems because my life was too hard. In short words, I blamed my parents completely. Everything was my parents' fault. We Japanese say this as "poisonous parents' problems". Indeed, at that time I lived with my parents but I even hated facing them in a house actually. Yes, I had to earn money and get out of that house, but I couldn't do so. Finally, I chose escaping from everything and drinking a lot of alcohol. I had been soaked into alcohol. I remember we - my mother and I - made struggles. I even said "you should separate from me mentally" and "Why? Why did you born me?"... Of course, now I never think that my parents are poisonous. Indeed, maybe the way of bringing me up could have some problems. For example, when I couldn't go to the school, or almost chose a hikikomori life, my parents didn't allow those withdrawal. I got anger with them, indeed... but, every person can make mistakes. Every parent must try to make their theory of bringing their children to be perfect every day. I guess so. And, as a immature child, I am also making mistakes every day, really often.
Thinking about that, now I won't say that my parents must be "poisonous parents". I NEVER say so. In my case, it must be influenced from a completely unknown issue "autism". They couldn't learn from anything like textbooks therefore must meet huge hardship. Indeed, thinking as "everything must be my parents' fault so I am no wrong" would sound really sweet for me. Or saying "that's the government's fault" or "this world's" might be another lifehack. Indeed, that's actual one. We can't be completely responsible for our lives' results as happiness or unhappiness. Because that is almost saying like "I can control my life and be responsible for any results because I am almighty". But I want to remember a primal principle. "Nobody is perfect", or as R.E.M. says "everybody hurts". Everybody lives their hard life. I want to remember that fact in the corner of my mind. That's a exact realism. I have to be adult to remember that precious truth.