BGM: Yosui Inoue "Last News"
In the morning I felt depressed. I thought that my work or my life was exactly meaningless. And they might be truly nonsense. The things I do and the fact I live are... But, I might do my work when I go to my workplace. I eat if I get hungry, and I sleep if I get sleepy. And if I eat a delicious meal, my mind gets happier. If I sleep well, I can wake up in a clear mood and have another day. Like that, my body "reacts". I am just a driver who is riding on the vehicle of the physical body, which leads me to somewhere nice.
I read Michael C. Corballis's "Wandering Mind". It is written very easy to understand. It gives me a lot of pleasure. Why do I think about other things without concentrating on one thing? Why does my thought go out from the book I'm reading now? What is a dream or illusion? What is creativity? This book gives me ideas about them. It also explains the phenomenon autistic people can't read other people's minds. So this book lights quite a wide field. It also tells that memory sometimes makes lies. How should I trust memory if it can tell lies?
And I went to the workplace and did my work. I always feel awkward and think that I can't do anything anymore. Yes, I think so... but if I go there, another self comes from somewhere. I could do my work today. Always I think this. Why can I do my work? It's a good old question. Why... I have done this job for over 20 years so maybe it's not strange the fact I can do my work. But before my work, I doubt myself. Always... but although that doubt, if I start my work, I can do it. It has worth thinking about this fact. But thinking too much about it stops my activity...
I'm thinking about writing my novel in English. I can't save time and also I can get nothing nice to write... so my writing has been stopping now. Sometimes someone sends me messages praising my English. Of course, I can't judge if my English is pretty good. I just accept these praises thankfully. Some readers send me tender comments on DIscord and Facebook, and they make me motivated. I'm really sorry for not being able to answer every comment. But I want to write thanksgiving by being praised. Thank you so much.