Back To Life

Back To Reality

2021/11/26 English

I felt depressed today. Probably my company gets busy in this season. My workplace gets busy at the end of the year and next beginning so I have to feel pressure on myself. Emotion is troublesome. Once I thought I wanted to throw this emotion away. Because of this emotion, I felt panicked and had to show miserable myself who was always moved by inner impulse. So I hoped I could feel nothing. Now I won't think so. This sensitive emotion makes me think deeply like this...maybe.

Always I have lived with this huge curiosity. I listen to, read, watch as others do. These are from my curiosity. And I work at the company because of my curiosity. In other words, a curiosity that can't be expressed by words makes me move and create myself. Today I did my work. Why do I work, or why do I live? People laugh at me and treat me as an idiot. But it's OK. I have no future, but it'S OK. Now I have friends so am not lonely. Friends' comments are warm. They let me move. Yes, I still can move... I can work.

This might sound crazy but I sometimes think that "if I died as Scott Fitzgerald who was on writing his novel in a halfway". Now I write this journal but have been haunted by that idea. And once I thought that was OK. This myself was a mistake so died with the nonsense that was appropriate. But now I have the things to do. Or I have the things I want to do. I think I got high enough but also have the desire of looking what will I see. What kind of scenery can I see future? What is the future? I can't die...

I can't die... Once I said "I wanna die" on Google+ and my friends got panicked. I was an idiot. So I won't say "I wanna die" even if as a joke. But I sometimes think that death is the best solution when I feel very depressed. "I wanna die"... but now precious people are by my side. I want to live for them. I remember Fishmans. "You help someone else"... My fight helps someone. So I can't let my ego kill me.