I worked early today. This morning, while working I thought about an emotion, hate... especially the possibility of being hated by someone (for example, by my co-workers or my friends...). You would think this strange but even now I should think of this idea because I had to endure a long period of terrible school bullying during my teenage. At that period, at least from my viewpoint, anyone I knew should have hated me so terribly that I had to think of this idea.
After that teenage hell-like period... I started my own college life. However, I had within my mind a serious identity crisis. Until that moment, everyone hated me a lot, therefore, I should have hidden my truths from them and tried to pretend as if I was already dead. At the college, no one hated me because the campus mood was so "open" that there couldn't be any possibility of bullying. Just I had to struggle with my trauma which caused serious depression (maybe it can have been described as PTSD).
I won't describe myself as I am so logical, wise person. Looking at my past footsteps, there must be a truly random, zigzag way to here... But this autistic brain once tried to make an absolutely silly idea so clear. It was that if I could find out why people hated me so much (in a way if I could have made the source of hate clearer as I could understand), I could try to remake/upgrade myself better... But that trial ended in vain because no one seemed to hate me for any clear, logical reasons but just hated me because of the mood/aura I had actually.
After thinking about these things... suddenly, I thought about this. What if... how could it be if my childhood had had the internet connection as its precious essence? What would have happened if I had been able to connect myself to the vast global world, the united/unified community via the internet? (even though, if it could have been possible, I had to endure th59e hard training of learning English through school and real life). I can't see... Yes, it must be just an "alternative", "possible" life. If it could have been realized, I would have been soaked in various conspiracy theories such as this earth is flat, and also the sun is going around this planet.
