Back To Life

Back To Reality

2021/11/20 English

Today a person said to me "Thank you". I found a certain warmness was made in myself and thought it was interesting. "Thank you", these words themselves are not objects so they seem not to make me warm. We can't touch them... but they were listened to by me and affected as some kind of heat source. I heard that there is a kind of people who are called "Highly Sensitive People". Maybe I'm also that. The warmness of "thank you" made me move as usual. I did a work which makes me hot, that might not be perfect but the best work I could today.

What is the future? I think. This may sound banal but the things we believe would happen in the future are just the prediction that we calculate from the facts of the past. They are just the extension of the past... For example, weather forecasts are the prediction that is calculated from the data of the past (of course, I won't say it must not have any value). Then, the future hasn't arrived here so thinking about it can be just a waste of time? The future doesn't exist? Or if animals were extinct on the earth, the creature which can feel the future didn't exist?

I watched the movie "Waves" directed by Trey Edward Shults. Everyone may experience unhappiness which is occurred by some kind of accident that couldn't be predicted. Sometimes we have to live the life we can't accept... but we also need to accept that kind of unhappiness as a part of "waves". I remembered my past. I couldn't get any fine job and sink into alcohol which I wanted to heal my stress. Every day I felt anger in myself and drank a lot. I also had the delusion which I wanted to set fire to the house of the person who bullied me. Oh, what a shame!

Yes, I believed that books and music are just my friends. I closed my heart and felt ashamed because I was born. one of my ex-classmates said "I felt very sad if my child felt they were feeling they shouldn't be born". I remember it... that means I hurt my parents as a shameful child. Now I can reflect that I can think that past was wrong and start my life normally. That's life... exactly our life has "waves" and it can have the chances of miracles. But these miracles happen because they have chances... and they must happen as an apple falls from a tree.