I wanted to read Natsuki Ikezawa's books again so I will read his one "Nautical Chart and Logbook" from a library. And I read Richard Brautigan's, the author whose poems Natsuki Ikezawa had translated into a book "In Watermelon Sugar" again. Then I couldn't read more so I thought I should stop reading and spend my time chatting. But I tried to read Toshiyuki Horie's "Forgetting days at a riverbank" (it's very difficult to translate the original Japanese title into English) then could read easily. So I started reading it with the same Toshiyuki Horie's "Like looking for words by pendulum". Then I thought I should read the authors like Keizo Hino and Atsuko Suga who are the writer Toshiyuki Horie praises... to be continued endlessly.
I thought of the artists who had killed themselves. Elliott Smith, Kurt Cobain, Nick Drake, Okuba Nikaidou... TBH I had believed that killing myself is the last and best way of living. It was because of the book "The Complete Suicide Manual" by Wataru Tsurumi. I can kill myself if I want. Anytime... then I will live. It might sound like a paradox but there is a way of thinking which tells us the death brightens our life as a precious thing. Now I won't think I shall die. But... maybe I was too young, or too old at the heart because I had lived in a stressful situation even if I was young.
Starting reading "Forgetting days at a riverbank", I thought I could write in this style. So I want to write another novel, besides the novel I'm writing as an epistolary novel. Of course, I would never become a pro and just it could be an activity like DIY. But it must be the thing which comes from me therefore it must be a precious thing. If it come from me without any reason, I would give it a certain place to be and love it as my child. What a complicated person! Reading books and writing articles with a crazy passion... I might have to owe the karma of reading and writing.
Ah, loving myself... once I couldn't do it so I never satisfied my writing completely (I always threw them away, and that's an end). I thought "I could write like this anytime"... If we think naturally, the writing at our young age might be not mature. Therefore young writing is not "better" than now (of course, there are a lot of writers who can't get better with aging). But even if the quality was worse, it must be the thing I wrote. It's enough to say it's priceless. So it has the value to be read and also to exist in this world. Even if the world wouldn't read, I would treat my writing as an important product.