Back To Life

Back To Reality

2021/11/03 English

November has come. The day of Beaujolais Nouveau is also coming. I remember... once I was a heavy drinker, I bought a lot of Beaujolais Nouveau and opened a bottle soon even if I couldn't understand the taste of French "cuisine". Yes, I got drunk deeply... it wasn't a wonderful time. When I was drunk, I thought about why I was born and wished I would die soon... I hated myself and wanted to disappear... Now I think I can accept myself. But it's because of the "stop-drinking-alcohol" meetings and also the (another) meetings of autism.

I read Toshiyuki Horie's "Nonstandard Mail". Maybe because I have just read Horie's book "The out-of-service train" which had been released at the end of the 20th century, I am surprised at the sameness of Horie's essays. Nothing has changed... yes we accept this as a negative thing. But in other words, Horie's writing had been completed although he was so young. He reproduces the "completed himself"... Yes, he must have read a lot of books and thought various things. If I read deeper, I can see the difference. But just I can understand his steady progress of thinking and calmness.

Besides it, as I wrote, I read Yoshikichi Furui's "Morning Glory" and Ikuo Hasegawa's "Kenichi Yoshida" step by step... "Morning Glory" is the book once I challenged because it has been praised by various critics when I was a college student. But I couldn't finish reading. Maybe I was too young to read and enjoy it. Every book has its chance to be read... I once had been ashamed because I didn't meet Dostoevsky when I was a teenager. But now I think that I got a good meeting when I had got my 40s and read "Crime and Punishment". Because I had been an adult, so I could understand Dostoevsky.

Maybe some people read "The Brothers Karamazov" when he/she has arrived at his/her later stage of life. Of course, you can laugh at it because it is too late. But does the act has meaning? Laughing at the other person's life must be nonsense I believe. Every life has its uniqueness and therefore it's precious. The person who doesn't think that kind of preciousness and the person who still can be surprised by "The Brothers Karamazov" even if he/she is in the later stage of life. I choose the latter. Dostoevsky was the writer who wrote every person's life's preciousness, wasn't he?