Back To Life

Back To Reality

2021/08/30 English

I remember... When I had joined my office, I hadn't known the fact that I am an autistic person. I had worked with the ultimate effort at the situation the bosses had given me a lot of works. I thought that this office was the final stage I had to belong to... I was basically and definitely a useless person for working but I had done my best. And I noticed that I am with autism. I told that my boss but he couldn't understand. Finally, I took 100 pills to try to die... I think that it was almost living in hell. I don't want to owe other people the same experience. Why should we drive so mad like this because of autism?

I bought a book. Nobuhiro Motohashi's non-fiction "The Naked Director: A biography of Toru Muranishi". I wanted to read this book for preparing to watch the Netflix drama "The Naked Director" which is about Muranishi. I thought that what is the desire. I am male as Muranishi. Maybe because of it, I have the will to chase money and women. But this book tells us about a man who did such bold actions which makes me quiet. I thought if I should follow him as the person who lives facing his desire seriously.

I remember "The Wolf Of Wall Street" as a drama that treats the same topic as money and women. And I also remember the drama "Fight Club" which tried to describe the trial to destroy such a material society (and couldn't show another perspective. In other words "Fight Club" might not be able to be told without mass product society working). I can't eat air so I need money. And I don't want to say this but I need women. But at least women aren't accessories for me. They have their wills and personalities. I can't forget this principle.

"The Naked Director" is great non-fiction. It has the power which destroys my tiny mind. I remember Yasujiro Ozu's movie I had watched yesterday and I also remind of Akiyuki Nosaka's novels. I want to follow the point of view of Ozu who told me "Satisfied so-so is the best" and "Now is good". I want to learn how to stay in the current situation. But Muranisi would say that it's terrible. Chase money and women, Live with desire... he might say so. That might be right. But... if we chased our desire like that, we would encounter the bad end of our life's situation as Muranishi had experienced?