I'm listening to Kenji Ozawa's masterpiece "dogs". I know that the song "The scene of Angel" has the lyric "Having the strength of believing God, Not giving up living the life". I like this phrase. "Believing God", wanting something was once the weakness from my point of view. People are (or I am) weak so they (or I) want God... No. We intentionally believe and rely on the important thing. That power of believing and relying on can be called true "strength". I don't believe in God, but I believe in the power of connection, friendship.
Before becoming a heavy drinker, the beers were for me cool drinks as appearing in Haruki Murakami's novels. I had started drinking them when I couldn't do job hunting in my school days. I had drunk them until my 40s... I was drowned by them. No money and no dream. I couldn't see the future I would become a big person and always be lonely... Finally, the beers became the symbol of never-ending, depressive hell and miserable days in the world and this life. If I started drinking beers again, The hell came to me again. I have to avoid that. I don't need the beers in my life which I can enjoy Kenji Ozawa and try to live from the start.
I've watched Michael Haneke's movie "The Castle". This was the movie based on Kafka's novel. Quite a chaotic movie! I thought this movie was the one that describes the romance of the main character and a woman. I want to call it "quite like a soap drama". I think that Kafka's novels were like Kafka's journal (or the documents he tried to record about himself). The elements which the confused communication between the Castle and the main character was the things I've got used to. And he writes the weakness of the main character who was just controlled by a woman. It's a boring movie but I could enjoy Kafka's taste.
I went to a library and borrowed all the five books of "The complete short stories of J.G.Ballard". I've read volume one and been shocked by the end of the world he described. They were old short stories so in there the "tape" appears (It recalls my smile). But without it, I think I can see the sublime end of the world I have forgotten. I live in the endless economical movement and my life (which also looks never-ending). Why? I don't know. But I have to live. That's the human being's sad nature.
