This might sound ridiculous but sometimes I think 'why am I still alive?'. Why doesn't my heart stop beating? Why do my guts work on? And if they stop working (and someday they stop absolutely), when will it be? At that time what will I see? I think about those things. Everybody lives in the same situation but why other people don't think (it seems so) about these things?... I'm thinking seriously. Yeah, I'm just a daydreamer but I thought about this today too. What will I see if my life stops?
...Or I must believe that 'No way! My heart won't stop'? This life goes on, never stops... Believing so (even if it needs some blind belief). 'It ain't over till it's over'. Time flows and the world changes. 'Words have their meanings just in the flow of the world'(Wittgenstein). Should I read Kenichi Yoshida's "Time" again, which is a great achievement of essays about life and works as good medicine for our life? It sounds strange too but if I get into something I can forget the fear of death(?) and feel satisfied. Ah, once I thought I wouldn't be afraid of death and drank a lot wishing to die soon as Kafka. Now I think 'not yet'. I have the things to do.
Touching something (for example, the warm sunlight as today's morning or the news from Ukraine), my heart moves. It means my heart reacts outer world. If I control outer (for example, I can try to walk for a while or eat good meals), my heart must move. I can control my heart. I can move it by my will actually and positively. Of course, I am in a vast environment or a certain network of relationships. But I can change (at least, I can believe so). I started living with having a certain responsibility for my emotion. At least, I started trying to control my emotion as much possible as I can. My friends told me I can do so.
I can't live without music which is an important medium to control my heart/mind. Nowadays I listen to Sting, New Order, and I am robot and proud. I read Shigeki Noya's "Wittgenstein: the battle of 'Philosophical Investigations'". The life which will end someday... then I want to live this given life sincerely (Yes, I can't decide the limit of this life so life is basically 'given'. Being alive is gaining well). Of course, I sometimes take naps and sink into nonsense talks. I remember Wittgenstein's message in his drafts. 'Live happily!'.