I worked early today. During my working time, I thought about my memories as usual, especially the very BLOODY/SEVERE relationship I had to have with the outer world. Yes, in such a cruel relationship, at least, simply everything seemed to be very irrational/absurd for me. As this autistic person, my classmates and also adults treated me as just a strange teenage kid, and I had to surrender to the majority group's violent logic.
Probably because I had to experience that absurd period, even now, I am not good at telling others how I am sorry for them and also expressing the emotion/feeling of apologizing to others. From my point of view, general human relationships have STILL been colored by the so-called "dominant/submissive" or "master/servant". Therefore, in this sad autistic person's mind, there seems to be a very self-centered, weak personality that keeps having such a silly idea that tends to divide this world into those two, very childish categories.
However, recently I started getting tolerant of this outer world in front of me. Definitely, that's because I started learning English like this and also communicating with other people (in the classroom of the English conversation class, and also on Discord, etc...). Also, through various activities of the self-help group I have enjoyed, I could have trained myself enough to have such a strong/tough ego/personality, therefore now I can say I can understand how to bow my head to the outer world by showing apologies. Not like Nirvana's or a great Japanese author Osamu Dazai's manner which says "All Apologies", I can say my apologies well... even though it can be complete/appropriate.
TBH, I want to confess the ethics of my own "Master and Servant" point of view here (you know what I'm saying I believe). However, currently, I am so exhausted because I have worked five days in a row, therefore, absolutely I need to take a rest. Now, I can see this world can have its grey zone/state which can't be divided into any absolute/ultimate black and white, right and wrong. Is this also another "absurd" figure of this world, as various philosophers and authors have taught us?
