I worked early today. This morning, I thought about the past steps of my life. TBH, literally every day I tend to think about how this life can end (yes, every day I think about death), even though NOW I'm feeling certain that I want to live more to achieve several things (for example, I want to try to work as a volunteer guide to introduce this city with using my English skills). Of course, I can't tell how my life will end. However, in a way, I want to keep rebelling against the cruel fate's absurd order to live this life as a human being.
Once when I was in my 30s, absolutely at the "bottom" of my life, in my mind, I had been soaked into the desperate idea that my life had already ended, or I had already been dead like a zombie. Yes, NOW I feel how silly bias or obsession I had been haunted by. However, at least, during that decade (maybe, my life was just at its prologue), I was wandering in this rural city like the main character of Bruce Springsteen's "Born In The U.S.A.".
I'm sorry this must be a too-sensitive issue for you, but NOW, I try to ask: Why have I chosen to keep living? Why have I not surrendered to fate? I can't tell... Or, it must be a topic beyond my brain but my physical territory. In my body, warm blood runs and the heart keeps throbbing. Then, those "absurd" but "lovely" things keep working and keep me alive. That's one of the reasons I live, and NOW I can tell that I have a certain will to try to achieve inputting my "bucket list" fully. In other words, I can't "verbalize" why I live. Oh, how fool I am!
This evening, I read several short stories by Haruki Murakami, and also a Japanese critic Norihiro Kato's essays about Haruki. I can't still "verbalize" the certain reason why I have been attracted to Haruki. However, at least, for me, Haruki has been one of the "outsiders" who try to stay close to me, who has been really crucified by this life's severe reality. Of course, you may suggest that Haruki must be a sort of the most "influential" adult (you even call him as he can represent a sort of "establishment" opinions through his works). I won't say that he must be a pure-minded, heartful guy. It must also be an interesting issue to think about.
