Simply, I might be able to write this. I have a certain darkness or a very violent, chaotic core in my mind. If I could look into it clearly as an object, I would find a sort of flaming, melting magma. Probably in that, I can even find a sort of emotional cluster, "hate". Once, I had been hated by almost all the students in school, therefore, I couldn't learn how I could "love" other people actually from my heart. Instead, the destructive/dangerous emotion "hate" was installed in me.
Today, I worked late. While working, I had to endure that emotion of "hate", which even messaged me repetitively that I should have vanished from this world, etc. About this, I still feel the wound/damage within my mind which keeps telling me obsessively as delusional/destructive messages such as "I wanna do that". "Hate", this irrational, very instinctive, therefore, so primitive mind which always whispers to me that "let's get together into one".
About this primitive, even paradoxical relationship between "love" and "hate"... Now, I feel I might be able to "love" someone from my heart (but, as the main character of Yukio Mishima's novel does, my love must be very brainy and tactical though). Also, I believe I am trying to save myself, especially my hurtful emotional engine from the outer world's absurd/irrational movements. But, even now I feel that however hard/diligently I try to show my modesty in public not to hurt someone else, "they" keep hurting me by their too-cruel attitudes.
I'm sorry. I can't tell what I have had to face as today's event in this journal precisely.
