This morning, I went to the main house of my group home to see the admin. There, we talked about various things. About the coming revisit to the hospital in the next town to have another wisdom tooth pulled, the next season of the English conversation classes (the admin allowed me to enjoy them with the money we've saved until now), etc. After, I went to a convenience store to buy a bento (a Japanese lunchbox) and had it in my room.
It was a day off, but this afternoon I had to struggle with a strong depressive emotion within me, even though I couldn't find the reason why. I stayed in my room and tried to enjoy reading freely, with a very "loose" mind enough just to kill boredom. I'm not trying to get something or reach anywhere, but just to let my mind go freely... I started reading Vladimir Nabokov's autobiography "Speak Memory". It's a very great achievement (needless to say). But this time it couldn't affect me. So, I just had to spend my time achieving nothing creative.
Shouldn't I ask the reason for this depressive mood? Because it can be from the so-called "midlife crisis", or the changing seasons. Having dinner, I even tried to catch its tale of sleeping moment to let my mind rest soon. However, I couldn't do so. Finally, I gave up and just zapped various books' pages such as a collection of Franz Kafka's fragmental sketch works, Teju Cole's "Open City" and Levy Hideo's collective works of his essays.
Yes, it must be ridiculous simply. However, if I stopped reading something, my mind would start having various very nonsense ideas such as "When will I die?", "How will this world change?", "10 years after when I will become 59, what things will I see with these eyes?" etc. Maybe these fart-like ideas can come from just the lack of rest or sleeping time. Like real farts, I try to let them go out into the air. At 10 pm, I took pills to sleep. Since my 22 when I was in the 4th grade at a university, I have been attending the mental clinic... Remembering this, I accept I have many things I should (and want to) record within my memoir blog. So, I can never give up... At least, at this moment, NOW.
