I worked early today. TBH at first I thought I wouldn't be able to work anymore because of my depressive mood. I even wished I could run away from this work and return to my room. But as you can see, that won't produce any positive thing. So I just tried to let myself go along with the outside flow. Like Bob Dylan says, I tried not to think twice, but enjoy the movement of my body and my nerves which naturally react by the outer things.
I remember the book I've been reading recently - It's Seigo Matsuoka, a Japanese critic's "Fragile" which tells us that my mind can be changed by having a piece of tuna meat in my stomach. I can see what Matsuoka tries to explain this. As I have written above, my mood has been changed by serial, physical movements.
At lunchtime, I enjoyed a Japanese post-rock group Zazen Boys's songs. Their complicated polyrhythmic groove also changed my mood into the brighter stage. I got some LINE messages from my job coach, so we exchanged messages for a while. TBH, to her I showed my weakness honestly. I had thought that I must have been treated by other co-workers as a useless "object" like a piece of stone, but she said I needed to try to look at that mood from the "higher stage", "alternative dimension" to recognize. In other words, I must have watched that emotion from the "meta" position.
And she shared with me a piece of pleasant news. I have not gotten her permission about that so I can't write it down, I am also glad to learn that because that piece has taught us that our serial, a little bit "sweaty" and "muddy" trials were never a waste of time. I imagine - What if I had not met her on that day? Then, I couldn't start having a dream or an ambition of becoming a bridge between here and there. For example, as an autistic person, I work at the current workplace to become a bridge between autistic people and the workplace. And also as an English learner, I try to make a bridge between this city and the world. Yes, these trials of mine couldn't have been realized if we hadn't met each other...
After the work, I returned to my group home. Although I wanted to enjoy talking with my friends via Zoom or Discord, probably I had already been too tired, I slept very, very deeply... So I could enjoy nothing.
