BGM: Motoharu Sano - Rock'n Roll Night
Oh my gosh, what is happiness? Today was a day off. I went to a hospital I usually go to once a month, and met my doctor. After getting medicines, I went to AEON and spent my time with some thoughts. Today I chose enjoying some music by Lee Scratch Perry or Motoharu Sano's "SOMEDAY"... Yes, like this, my day or my life goes on really loosely. I believe it's alright. Living with these really sweet music, literature, and sometimes movies. Some cruel people might say that I am just a poor loser. I never earn, become greater. I don't even have any family. Just stay rootless in this life as a weed... living every day as "I want to enjoy simply". And also I enjoy reading and learning English as a simple way of gaining mental pleasure. Like that, finally I could learn the final mission or style of my life. But that's not by myself alone. I have experienced many meeting with various people, learned a lot of things from precious chances. The "danshu" meeting, the meeting about autism, etc...
You might think this kind of "I wanna enjoy everything simply" as unserious or irresponsible. Because that sounds too "easy" or too "readymade". Should I think about my future or my whole life steadily, basically? But I believe that my future is completely enigmatic for us. I can not predict what will happen tomorrow. Or, the things what I am doing today humbly must build tomorrow I believe. For example. quitting alcohol and learning English... Today will be the base of tomorrow. Now I do will become tomorrow. Therefore, I want to live "now" preciously. Indeed, I might have to live today in a stoic and steady way to live beautiful or rich tomorrow. However, it's just not my way or my style. And I found this simple fact. I quit any alcohol and started reading and learning English with this clear, hardworking head and body. That's really incredible for me (as a Japanese sociologist Shinji Miyadai says, that gives me a certain, strong intensity of pleasure). And, although this sounds very strange for me, that way of spending my time really "lazily" is, for others, a way of "great study journey". I am just being soaked into pleasure of reading and learning English... is this unbelievable?
This afternoon we had an offline meeting at Saikouji. I talked about "silly desires". I had been controlled by really "silly desires" (it can be called as a "pervert" one). Loving a woman on Discord, and that made me feel a lovesick. That certainly attracted other members. They said "that woman couldn't say any truth about herself", or "that kind of sweet things can be said by ChatGPT". Indeed, they were severe comments. But I felt that this is a true work of pure and trustable friendship, great connection. I am just a tiny person therefore I would do silly or idiotic things naturally. I even can say that my life is exactly a huge cluster of those shameful trials or failures. Even though I am living in such days with full of errors and damages, I tend to think that "I am right" and "why my life doesn't go well?". That makes me sick... this is one of precious lessons I have got today from this meeting. A priest said to me that "but if you erased your desires from yourself, that would work as erasing yourself or your basic existence". That was also precious for me.
After that meeting, a female friend I always trust and respect gave me a warm comment. "You must be the happiest one in this Hyogo prefecture!". Certainly... when I was a child, I had to be bullied at schools. After that, I wondered between books when I was a Waseda student with a wounded heart. Indeed, I got a job but it was really terrible therefore I even became a miserable heavy drinker or alcohol junkie. I drank a lot every day and had a seriously edgy idea. "I shouldn't be here, never be born in this world"... BUT! I met precious and wonderful friends! I met them, and started thinking about my autism which I have to face during my life as my handicap or my mission. Or, I can recall the memory of being praised my English by "dear my teacher in my life". That has given me a great pride for my English so I am now expressing myself to the world in English. I also started my group home and the system of job coaches... what a life! As a survivor of that life, I believe that I must be a lucky one. I got a "golden ring in a ruin" like Motoharu Sano sings in his song? I never thought of any possibility of that. Why could I encounter such a marvelous miracle? "C'est La Vie"?
