BGM: Flipper's Guitar - Big Bad Bingo
Almost everyday I go to the workplace and do what I should do. And days go on. This lunchtime, I spent my time doing nothing. I couldn't read anything. I suddenly thought that "everything seems like just its repetition". Of course, details are different every time, but all what I am doing is just like the same. I go to the workplace at a decided time and do what I should do with the co-workers I already know. But, although the days are so repetitive, the time is exactly changing and the season is also so. And according to Chuck Palahniuk's "Fight Club", the rest of my life is decreasing to zero certainly. It is an awful fact. Is this life OK? No, I have no frustration. If I couldn't endure this state, I would ask this for my friends to change this situation. Once, when I was a heavy drinker, I would "crush" myself to the numb not to think anymore. But now, I even would quit my work to try to change everything. I would live a new life. However, I don't do so.
Thinking like that, starting writing this diary can be a trial of destroy this closed state. As I am writing before, I have never had any ambition. Just to share my life with my friends and that's all, so I started writing this... but that task of writing about me and looking into my inner space shows a certain thing. Today, I remembered the ex-friend's comment at 10 years ago. "Quit your work immediately". How is she doing now? Although I didn't quit that work even though I got that comment, I almost tried to end this life through that process. Oh, what a hard life. I tried to find something from Choukitsu Kurumatani's books... and, I succeeded quitting alcohol and got this current life. I can feel that everything, all of this situation is changing to this state. I say to myself that I shouldn't hurry up. Just stay calm, do what I should do, and live honestly.
Today I bought a paperback by Junichiro Tanizaki, and started reading it. But I couldn't read. I must be tired... my concern seems getting into this kind of book. This morning I got excited by a pic of June Lovejoy. She was wearing a beautiful bloomer so I got nose bleeded. My sense has been fatally distorted since I was a kid. Junichiro Tanizaki completed his great masterpiece by his desire or passion, but I am never able to do so then I just write this diary. When I was a high school student, I got excited by a scene of lesbian love in the "Norwegian Wood"... I repeat this again and again. I am just a "real" pervert. But I don't try to open such a wicked taste of mine as "everybody must be kinky" or "the nature of human being is the issue we have to face". I want to try to make a fine balance. Indeed, desire is a primal problem for us which controls us completely. But I don't want to be a troublemaker who is controlled by that weakness.
TBH I learned English literature at a university, but I have never read any D. H. Lawrence's works. So I am interested in reading " Lady Chatterley's Lover" and "Sons and Lovers "... I have enjoyed the literature because I have accepted that as the results of real "fallen" people, real "ill" people's agony. Not as any great "artistic" therefore "sublime" crystals, but just collections of murmuring by cursed souls... Me, Like "Neon Genesis Evangelion" says, I have lived jailed by the "phantom pleasure and self-hating". Is that life? Ah, I once tried to wish I could live as a hermit, escaping from this material life, this snob world. This world is crap... I thought so. I wished I could run away from this myself who has been easily controlled by desire and obsession. Now, I am knowing that I can never be free from this passion, this obsession. Although I went to a forest like Thoreau's "Walden", this myself would follow me. I have to live this sicken life because I am this myself and no one else. Then I have to owe the responsibility to this life and accept "my problem". That's life. "Look at darkness, stay awake. Until the day you understand it is exactly a piece of hope" (b-flower).