2022/11/22 English

BGM: Belle and Sebastian "Like Dylan In The Movies"

At the AEON store, I can find that there already begins the sale for the end of the year. Next year I will be 48. I have to admit that 50 will come soon. My life has already been in the late stage. I don't want to think this, but I have to accept that an "ending" is coming. Ah, what have I achieved in this life? How would my 50s be? I can't see. Basically, I wanted to write a novel, but I couldn't do it. I have never imagined that I would write my diary, but it has been kept by now. Probably it will be kept through my 50s. Ah, is that life?

I have lived this life without any alcohol, and with the motivation to live again. I enjoyed this life until now. I have tried to change myself, to be an "ideal" person so started watching movies. I hope I could approach that "ideal" myself step by step. How would I become? I might work like this and watch movies. I might eat and sleep well... I might already live a "retirement" life. As I wrote before, my life would become like Yasujiro Ozu's movies.

At first, what is life? Once I sank into alcohol, I decided to live this life with the thoughts "everything must be recreation" and "life is to kill the time till death". life has quite nonsense. We should live short lives so I would live without any thoughts. Just do what I do and go to death, and that's all. Now I think that it must be a very "conceptual" point of view or just banal nihilism. I should be concerned that my work certainly has a physical pleasure. I also have to think about the thrill I can feel from watching movies. Life has such great pleasure and thrill so I want to enjoy them.

This evening I watched Clint Eastwood's "American Sniper". I thought that Clint Eastwood must be a maestro of a "conservative" and "old fashion" position so I just respect him with a certain distance. But this time I thought that I should "fight" against his great movies. It must be a very "hard-boiled" touch movie without any easy music, and I got interested in his ethic in this stoic and bitter movie. But I should accept that my reading was really poor so I had to learn other reviewers' points of view. I should train myself more... Indeed, I am already near my 50s but I have to accept my poorness. I should show my white flag. But life must have such a bitter taste so I will train myself tomorrow. C'est la vie.