BGM: 新居昭乃 - 覚醒都市
Today I worked early. This morning, suddenly I got an idea that says "who am I?". When I go to the company, people treat me as an employee. We make a contract, and they record me as a member of the database. They even pay me money because of my work, and people around me say I am a companion. Perhaps as a stranger, an alien... but in the connection apart from my company people treat me as another person. The difference in temperature between those relationships is so wide that I doubt (I even feel vertigo) if we belong to the same country or the same culture. Probably, we are actually speaking the same language but live from different points of view. We might move from different operation systems... that might be true.
Who am I? I am (indeed, although this is an extreme idea) a point that is made within the network of many people in this world. Just like the personal computer and smartphone I have are the points of the network of the internet. I am here. I am writing my thoughts from my thinking system by my will. But those ideas I am writing are based on other people's existence. The action of other people, those are from tenderness or evil, are flooded into my thoughts, and becomes the opinions like this. I am such a great liquid. Maybe I don't have any "solid" ego?
Because of being bullied in school, I once denied other people themselves. Making friends was for me just "attachment" too much, therefore, losing my ego or originality. Indeed, this kind of thinking is for me just "childish" and "idiotic". I guess that other people would open my door and bloom my talent. Just like the meeting of Morrissey and Marr, John and Paul, etc. Me, my life would end without any trial of writing English like this if I didn't meet my friends. I would disappoint my whole life, but just strictly believed that "I have a talent but this world can't approve of it". As you know, this kind of idea brings us that "I am right because this world is so strange". What a ridiculous idea!
This evening I read Oliver Sacks' "The River Consciousness". It is really a human touch collection of essays that brings me his warm heart or warm breathing. Especially, I am interested in the episode that says to us that our memory might tell lies because they are put into our minds apart from the fact, of what actually happened. But even if that reality is, "We should choose our recognized world as truth instead of the facts" or "People have their truths" are not my opinion. If I chose that kind of the extreme point of view, I would lose something certainly. I want to live now honestly and take real experience into my mind. Then, my past would become meaningful. I want to live like that.