BGM: 詩人の血 - バレンタイン
I worked late today. This morning I read Shinsuke Shimojo's "What is consciousness?". A very profound book. Although it is an old book, it still asks us various problems to think about. I had an interest in the part which tells us about Prozac, which once became a popular topic in Japan. Is it happy to take that kind of mental pill and try to "uplift" our minds every day? I can't deny Prozac because I go to the clinic to get medicines since I was a college student. But I also doubt if life in medicines to keep on "uplifting" every day is happy. If I change these "medicines" to "alcohol" and "drugs"? Indeed, this might be a rough discussion.
I started meeting my doctor and getting medicines because I read Wataru Tsurumi's "Tuning personality manual". He explains that mental clinics are not strange places. They are really useful places for us to live happy lives. So I started going there. Exactly, medicines help me. That is a simple fact. But, I have to be careful that medicines give me temporary curing even if I can make my mood "uplift" or "fix". That is another fact. I have to face my problems seriously and try to change myself, then I would become happy. I believe so now.
Once, when I was at the bottom of my life, alcohol was the last hope for me. I blamed myself who being soaked in alcohol like that. Yes, I even imagined that alcohol would bring me to heaven. I couldn't imagine that except for alcohol there was no hope in me. Now I understand that it was because of my addictive mind. That mind let me say so therefore it was not from my will (indeed, I need more discussion to explain this). Now, I sometimes regret my young drunken days because I can feel there are tired guts in my body. I never think that my drunken days were not happy. Is it not the same as life with Prozac?
Today I met my job coach at a meeting at my company. We tried to find various problems in my job and solve them. At my workplace, I sometimes feel I am lonely. Because I am an autistic person therefore I am an outsider... but that character as an outsider works usefully there. Today I could learn how I could do my work for my company, therefore, I got a certain self-confidence. In Japanese, happiness is "Shiawase". "Awase" means "connection". So the connection with the things outside brings happiness to us... that is the meaning. I can connect myself to others. So now I can understand that I am happy.