BGM: RHYMESTER "LIFE GOES ON"
Today I worked late. This morning I entered Judith's room on clubhouse and talked with her in English. I confessed that I have no confidence in English, then she gave me a little advice. Indeed, I feel that is really glad for me. But, as I wrote yesterday, I decided to show myself even if I can't have any confidence in my English. Just be me, even though I can't speak fluently or say something smart, that's my English. I want to be myself, then it would go well.
After that, I went to Aeon and read the rest of John Irving's "A Widow For One Year". Ah, I really got so aged that I can understand John Irving's novel now. Once I tried to read "light novels" or avant-garde novels a lot, but now I'm interested in this kind of "true life" novels. I heard that Irving is praised as great as Charles Dickens, and I think I can understand even Dickens' novels taste now. I might read Dickens' "David Copperfield".
I remember the day in 2015. On the 3rd of April, I decided to stop drinking alcohol. On that day, if I drank alcohol again, I would live the life that would end in my 50s or 60s. Yes, that's life. But it must be a terrible one so I started drinking. It was really fearful for me because drinking alcohol was just a source for me to live on, but now I think that it must be a choice to become happier even though I needed courage. I have a friend who was once hikikomori, but he also might need courage.
And now... I might say a paradoxical thing but I want to say that I can be proud of myself. Indeed, there are a lot of people who speak better English than me. There must be many people who read more books than me or are smarter. But I don't want to have confidence in myself with that comparison. I want to treat the inner confidence which comes from me. I want to live like that. Here I came. I could realize the project of job coaches and also got better at using English. I will go on little by little... Life goes on. Don't worry, be happy.