Today I watched the world inside me once again. Once I thought that I had many dirty or strange essences in me. A desire for women or material success. But now I can see that it was made by others as a certain bully. They made me think of myself like that. Now people say I'm pure. I can't see which is true. In myself, I can exactly find a desire for women or success. But I won't show it intentionally because I don't want to be hated by my friends. I might become an adult.
I read Yoshimichi Nakajima's "On solitude" and "The textbook of philosophy" again. Yoshimichi Nakajima recommends that look back to our childhood if we had a terrible childhood. Reflecting terrible memories can work creatively. Or the hardship of childhood can have some clue to living a better life. I can remember that I had been blamed by "Pervert!" or "I can't understand what you are thinking". Yes, it was hell. I still can't see and treat women fairly because once I had been hated by women like that. My classmates blamed me as a dirty person like a poisonous worm.
Today I opened a room on Clubhouse. This time I used Japanese mainly. I talked about Kobo Abe's "Woman in the dunes", Maurice Blanchot, and Haruki Murakami with another member. What can we read from Haruki's and Kafka's novels? For me, Haruki's novels are the same as Kazushi Hosaka's and Raymond Carver's. They express the 'something holy in our daily life'. But other people might read extraordinary essences or adventures in Haruki's novels. It's Haruki's greatness that we can read his novels in various ways. I also talked about Yoshimichi Nakajima, but mainly we talked about literature.
At night I went to the English conversation class. I talked with many people. Today we learned that America has four parts (East coast, West coast, etc). And the teachers taught me each part's people's character (for example, political policy). We also talked about several regions in Japan. How do people have their character and policy? Various opinions appeared as "In the Kanto area, udon soup is black and salty" and "In Shiso city, people like slow life and peaceful atmosphere". The topic went to how is the English language spoken all over the world. I couldn't follow the topic well because I had not learned world history seriously. Yes, today was also a great day.