BGM: Pizzicato Five - 万事快調
Today I worked early. I had a trouble at my workplace. Once, If I had one thing like this, I certainly could do nothing. Probably I would drink alcohol and do venting on the internet... I can see that myself. But now, I am with a job coach and she gives me a clear opinion of how to move as a guest. It is quite thankful for me. Of course, beside that job coach, I have many friends from the meeting about autism so I can rely on them. This is a point what is different from the past to now. Although I don't think now is the best and nothing to blame, but it is clear that adapting now will be the key to live a better life, so I have to follow that. And also, I feel pleasant to live that situation. At least, it would be happier than living in the past and thinking "I wanna go back to my Waseda days". Today I did my work.
Reading Haruki Murakami's "Murakami Radio", I was attracted by the topic of "changing myself" or "being changed by something". Revolving myself and living a new life. Me, Once I tried a lot of things to change this myself. For example, I read various books about self-help... A Japanese wrestler Antonio Inoki once said that "If you couldn't accept the fact that you lose, then you wouldn't become stronger", and these words are still alive in me (I remember this quote when I have to accept my failure). And I understand this more vastly to think "If I couldn't accept this person, then I wouldn't become bigger". For example, I am an alcohol addicted so alcohol is just an one-way ticket to hell. But if I couldn't accept that fact and choose the life without drinking any alcohol, I wouldn't become happy, etc.
Today, my co-workers at the workplace looked at my memo in English and got surprised a lot. I guess that I am just an outsider at the office and that's all. Sometimes I think about why I have these kinds of weird ideas. Looking back to the past great books like Haruki Murakami and Koutarou Sawaki, not following the trend, and just keeping doing my style... I can remember that once I tried to be an amateur psychologist to analyze myself because I doubted that I might be an adult children or I had personality disorder. People once blamed me as "you are crazy" and denied my personality. Now, I accept that I am an incomplete and not matured person. But I guess that "nobody is perfect" is also correct. I accept this reality and just stay being myself. I choose that. A Japanese punk band The Blue Hearts sings "I can't be a saint, but I will choose this life".
Japanese have a great expression "Cherish the harmony among people". People say that Japanese society didn't like any conflict among them. Me, once I had been into various troubles and was forced to use my emotional resources to solve them. That disturbed my life and really troublesome. But now, I am keeping on finding various problems in the workplace as I wrote above. I might be hated by that task. I have changed in a way I guess. Indeed, my basic character must be weak and creepy, and that base wouldn't be changed in this life. Probably you say this is already a "seen" topic, but I say that I wouldn't change. Even in my 50s or 60s, I would read Paul Auster and Fernando Pessoa again and again. Addiction is the sickness of "denying", and I remember that once I denied the fact that I am alcoholic. I love this weak myself, or I might not be able to keep on loving but accept and swallow this myself.
God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
("Serenity Prayer")
