BGM: Original Love - Jumpin' Jack Jive
Today I worked late. This morning I went to the library to borrow Kiyoshi Miki's "Life theory note". I read it listening to Smashing Pumpkins' "Adore". In this book, KIyoshi Miki writes about the characters which are given to me as they are not mine, therefore they are precious. I am autistic, male, and alcohol addicted. Living in Hyogo prefecture, working at the current company. They are, according to Kiyoshi Miki, given things or gifted things. Yes, that's therefore valuable... I feel that this is a "comprehension". Once I hated and cursed everything I was having. I truly thought that it was just unhappy as being born as an autistic person... But, then when I could have started loving myself or this world like this? It is a huge enigma. But, looking back to the past days, that came from the people I met at my 40. And we have become great friends through learning autism from that encountering (I even fell in love with one of them). Ah, that certainly happened. Jesus!
I started this life, this myself. In other words, I started giving up. Giving up the fact that I am autistic (so I can't drive a car, and also I have to be different from other people), alcohol addicted (so I can never drink alcohol), and so on... but, why and how I could give up finally? Probably because it was enabled by being soaked into Haruki Murakami's world (I read his books as a kind of initiation of the people who have to struggle to live this world). And also that's because I have been worked and trained in a workplace simply. Now I don't think that I am in a jail of belief which says I am almighty. Just I am an ordinary person. I love learning English, reading, and also various hentai/pervert things. I started getting that living with giving up various things must be living slowly. "You've come a long way, baby!".
Kiyoshi Miki writes "Happiness is a kind of expression. Like birds sing, the things which naturally appear to outside and make other people happy must be the happiness". Then, my writing like this might be a work of "appearing" and a key of happiness. I ask this. I am happy so I can write a lot of things flooding from myself? Or the writing itself eases me therefore I can feel the happiness? Giving up. "Let It Be". Oh, today's journal becomes really enigmatic. I have to read Kiyoshi Miki's opinions and swallow them to be a part of me completely. I learned his name when I was a high school student (he was from the city next to us), but once, at that time, I wasn't interested in. Now I read and feel that it is by a fate that I met it. I am glad to read it. This book might decide my life actually.
During work, suddenly I thought that "in the end, I accepted the fact that I couldn't become a pro writer". Indeed, I tried hard (really hard) to be, and I almost achieved... but I am happy even though I couldn't be so. Because I met the readers I trust a lot, and also the wonderful friends. Yes, it is just a little happiness. But through those relationship (I am curing by various relationships. The "danshu" meeting, the meeting about autism, the English conversation class, Discord, MeWe), I have got a certain happiness. Indeed, I can't have got any best-seller or buzzing, but I don't want to be greedy anymore. I guess I have found a mine. I can never be happier anymore. Of course, life is still hard therefore I sometimes feel that I want to run away or hide forever. But that kind of sickness is just one of the content of my life. My life is chaotic. It is liked a boiled pot. A mixture of happiness and unhappiness... that is my hot and sweet life.