BGM: Kenji Ozawa - ラブリー
Today I worked late. This morning I read Toshiaki Kosakai's "Living in the world which has no answer" a little again. It tells us about the author's unique life and also his brilliant point of view, and it reminds me of my life. Indeed, I am living this peaceful and sweet life now. But once I had a too huge dream of becoming a writer. But actually, I didn't write any novels. I just drank a lot of alcohol. If I drank alcohol, I could feel pleasant feelings temporarily. Yes, I could forget everything. But if I get sober mood again, I start hating myself because that pleasure should be nonsense. So I start drinking again... again and again.
Ah... I even bought very expensive textbooks(at least, they were expensive compared with my income) and tried to change myself. I wanted to be a new person, a newly born person... It was a really wasteful struggle. At least, as I always write, after 40 years old I met my great friends. They enabled me to show my shameful character and also worries. Then, I am getting to love myself little by little. Any logic can explain this (I need more time to think about this). I learned to cook or other lifehacks, understand my limit and grip its shape. I start facing myself seriously. Yes, THIS is a change.
Looking back to my past days, I am never a successful person. Indeed, now I write my diary in English. I also read books about philosophy and brain science. It might be a wonderful life but it's not to be someone. It contains really a lot of waste, therefore it has bad cost performance. But, reading Toshiaki Kosakai's autobiography, I can understand that those random or chaotic trials and errors in my life could become a great Mandara picture. We say "there is no royal road to learning". Then my way of living is, maybe ridiculous, but not wrong completely.
Today was the coming-of-age day. Me, when I was 18 years old, I didn't attend the ceremony to celebrate my 18. Instead, I read books or listened to music alone. It was really a hard period for me so I can remember almost nothing. I even didn't understand autism, and couldn't predict how my life would be. Now, I can't see who I would meet and how I would live. Completely enigmatic. I say to myself that I need to move by following my feeling lightly. Logic often stops my movement, so I just move as my body needs it. Then, consciousness changes as my body move. Logic follows my movement. Move, and enjoy. That's the policy.
