BGM: Oasis - Whatever
During today's work, I was thinking about the relationship between me and autism. Once I strictly believed that my life would be just crap. I can't enjoy the things that many people enjoy (such as small talk or driving a car), and just going to die, that's all. Nothing is delightful... but I met nice people at the beginning of my 40s, and I started accepting and even tried to love myself through the activities of the group we built. That made me think that we must need a kind of "Homebase". Because the group I belong to, which I wrote above, is just an important Homebase and the place to be for me.
Once when I was still young, and just satisfied with reading the surface of modern philosophy, I believed that "we never need the place to be" and "everyone has to be a nomad or a person who has no roots". Because if we think that we need those kinds of roots, that will bind us strong... This idea (delusion?) comes from my past TBH I was bullied when I was a student, therefore I got doubtful about human relationships. People, who treated me and showed their smiles tenderly, try to keep a distance from me coldly, and started blaming me... I certainly experienced that kind of event many times.
That treatment makes me confused, so I even tried to become a trickster in my classmates to live better. I have to be an idiot, and throw my pride away completely... that would let me be a great friend to them. Or I even tried to become a hater. I tried to be so a lot to live a "public enemy". But now I can feel that I have a lot of true friends. I can trust them, and the existence of those friends or the connection keeps me calm. They are great blankets for me. They stop me going to reaching extreme ideas.
Now I think that the label "autism" shouldn't divide people (I'm afraid of this phenomenon... that some people look like using the label of "typical development" and describe many people as "they tend to have scattered minds and also they tend to read the lines too strictly, although it is just a funny joke). The person who invented the label "autism" wished that autistic people could live easier, and also the depth of human being's mind would come clearer I guess. Yes, that is just my idea. But I think that the label can be used more positively? I am living to face my autism and learn various things from my friends and the place I belong to (at least, I'm trying to do so).
