2022/11/08 English

I write this diary every day so the content becomes the same, so-called mannerism. Me, it is the episode in that I had spent my days as a heavy drinker, the episode I tried to commit suicide, the episode I have been trying to recover from that stage until now... but serious stories only would make reader disguised. I just want to write my diary as a kind of radio program, or a style of DJ's talking. Readers would come to read them and learn something or ease their minds. If I use old words, the "recreation" as Pascal says in his "Les Pensée".

Today I suddenly remembered Takeshi Kitano's movie "Kids Return". In that movie, a boxer who is named Hayashi, who is already an uncool old man, appears. He smokes a lot even if he fights as a boxer, and lost the purpose of fighting. He only stares at his old glory and tries to make a serious boxer (the main character) down. A dangerous man. But I thought I might be like Hayashi. Therefore I became a heavy drinker... I thought so.

Then, how am I now? "Kids Return" is a great movie because the "failed" characters show their toughness even if they got damaged, or we can see that they became stronger from their damage. Everybody would fail in their life. But it might give us a certain, critical shock and therefore they would go into darkness. I was the person who had wandered in that darkness and asked myself "Why am I born?". This lunchtime, I thought about myself thinking Hayashi (Hayashi might be the essence in ourselves).

So, I even thought that I thought I would watch movies but people said that today we would enjoy the eclipse. I chose to enjoy the eclipse and spent time with hangout. I also read Susumu Sogo's book... I think "Is it OK?". Derek Heartfield, a writer who appears in Haruki Murakami's novel, was a cult star in American literature, who writes a book named "I Feel Fine". I also want to say that "I Feel Fine (and what's wrong?)". I had lived in miserable days so even now someone says to me "Be quiet!". Yes, it is difficult. But I want to say "I am who I am".