BGM: くるり - World's End Supernova
Although I always do this... I was in a nightmare when I was a student. I couldn't make a friend there. I even was treated as a mad person so gave up everything. I stayed alone and read books, or enjoy music. Just live as a zombie. A Japanese famous singer Yutaka Ozaki sings protest songs. In them, an outsider in a classroom resists mass education and tries to find freedom. Of course, it is a great point of view. But, as a student, I felt depressed because of the "peer pressure" on students who were certainly controlled by schools. Students controlled by schools are the ones who control weak students.
The attitude that declares "We are controlled!" accuses schools' lies of mass education. I guess that it would be the one which "we are controlled and repressed by them 'therefore' we are correct". Judging that we are repressed would lead to the attitude of sharpening our activities, and the attitude of believing we are correct would be to blindness... I often see that kind of blindness on Twitter. Yes, it is because I'm mad and that might be all. But I couldn't have any sympathy for Yutaka Ozaki because of being naive with that blindness. Indeed, his voice and talent for lyrics are really charismatic. But I can't be into him.
I've been a passive person because of autism. Or I have lived with other people's comments which say to me "You are wrong", "You are crazy", and "Your way of living and thinking would never be alright" (yes, teachers and classmates always said to me "Your smartness is just treated great in schools only"). So I have needed a long time to have confidence in my thoughts. I also needed time to keep my mind open to other people's critical comments. This is really paradoxical so I had to face various troubles. TBH I am still weak so I would be hurt if someone says I have a mistake. It would be harmful to me. I have to accept that. But I feel it is better than in the past days.
I remember the story "The Ugly Ducking". In the society of the ducks, the main character has been said as "ugly". He thought that he must be an ugly duck, but finally find he is a beautiful swan (we should be careful that he is basically a swan, so he shouldn't try to be other birds). I am also the person who has been blamed as "ugly" because our society is conservative countryside and full of neurotypical people. I even thought that I never had the right or license of living my life. I just believed that I had to live as a madman, an ill person... Now I can find myself in various societies in English (several communities on the net) as being loved. I have many friends... then what "strange" can be? what is weird, or autism itself? It would be the final question. Is it bad of being oneself?
