2022/10/04 English

I worked early today. This morning I listened to Bruce Springsteen's "Born In The U.S.A." to get excited. Suddenly I thought about my past days. As you know, this song expresses a kind of anger and grief of living/surviving American life with enduring the wounds of the Vietnam War(at least, I understand this song like that). I have never gone to the Vietnam War so never got hurt by it, but I certainly face 'my' wound in my past days. Sometimes I get angry and have to get calm against it. I think about that.

Getting angry, having a plan of revenge... I have lived with thinking I would set fire to their houses. The houses of the people who bullied me... I have lived like that. And the hate I had toward this world got larger, and I even thought that I would kill everyone, destroy everything... I can remember that. But now, I have not been haunted by that kind of hate (at least, I think so). Where did my life change? How could I change like this? Now I am thinking that just living for today, enjoying today without having any anger or resentment. Or maybe I am naturally just so tiny a man that I can't stay angry and live with thinking revenge strictly.

When I read Haruki's "Norwegian Wood", I always listen to Joy Division's music. The darkness Joy Division has and the "Norwegian Wood" can match me in my opinion. Both have a great melancholy within themselves, and I sink myself into the sea of melancholy and face my forever wounds. Ah, I thought strictly that I wanted to die with the dark music in my past days, or I wanted to blame the people who bullied me, or my life would end in vain... As the people in Kiyoshi Kurosawa's movie "CURE", I had huge hate as a time bomb that might be able to explode suddenly.

Melancholic music, gloomy music... Radiohead, Arab Strap, Joy Division, Mogwai, Elliott Smith, Nirvana, Depeche Mode, Nine Inch Nails, Velvet Underground. Japan has a great melancholic Cocco. With their music, I sank into alcohol and thought that I would live in jail of my sickness forever. I wouldn't become happy... then I can't believe the current state. I remember the drama "Furuhata Ninzaburo" where the main actor Masakazu Tamura said, "People can begin their life again"...why did I write this? All I can say is that a negative life is simply a stressful life. I see, I will listen to Fatboy Slim!