I feel no good. I guess that's because just the season is changing recently... today I worked early and was tired a lot, so I fell almost asleep while attending the online meeting this evening (I'm sorry), and I couldn't read or write anymore. If I had time, I would watch the drama "Extraordinary Attorney Woo". But I slept soon so couldn't do that. I feel embarrassed about this. I remember Isaac Bashevis Singer's quote "Life is God's novel. Let him write it". If I could do nothing at that time, I might have to throw myself into the situation and let it flow to me. That might work well.
Once, I was a heavy user of Twitter, I lived for dissing other people a lot. I blamed politics as a so-called big mouth, and other peoples' work too. I can remember that I tried to make my mood better by criticizing the situation outside of me at that period. In other words, I never tried to change myself, and also never tried to look at my problems, but I just criticized various things. So my life wouldn't become better however I blamed the situation. Now I see the people who criticize the state funeral and remember my past. Even if I can't say any fine opinions about the state funeral.
Maybe I have lived with being bullied and blamed by a lot of classmates, even now I sometimes hear some phantom comments that blame me. As "Get away" or "Die soon". Of course, now I have a lot of friends now. They give me heartful comments. I want to overcome those phantom comments. But I might have to live with them while I'm alive so I should give up on them. I remember those past days, and even those days were a great lesson for me and had built me like this.
This might sound foolish... but once I had thought that death should be the only exit from this life in my past. I had wanted to run away from this life so drank a lot. In that way, drinking and dissing on Twitter is the same for me. While blaming someone, I can run away from my life. Then, how is the current situation? I try to face autism, and also think about how I can do more creative work. I never think this life is perfect, but I think I have nothing to be ashamed of as my way of living... is this not realistic?