BGM: フジファブリック - 桜の季節
"Go home" and "Die soon". TBH I sometimes hear those comments to me. Indeed, it is not real. Just phantom. Now no one says that kind of thing to me. But once I was hated terribly and blamed a lot because of my existence. It has been still left in me. Once I remembered this trauma and was haunted by hate, and even imagined I would revenge them. I would hit them, set fire to their homes... I had a huge rage and was soaked in alcohol. I did nothing wrong then why did I have to see such terrible things? Hate was an intimate friend to me at that period... but now I have never imagined that. Life goes on and seasons change.
This afternoon I ate lunchbox with Kaseki Cider's music, who is a Japanese hip-hop artist. I heard that he is influenced by Motojiro Kajii, a Japanese legendary writer. I was impressed by his great tunes quoting Kajii's sentences and said fluent lyrics. Motojiro Kajii... great. I have Kajii's paperback I once bought cheaply from a used bookstore. I read it once and was deeply impressed. Reading his "Under Sakura trees", I remembered that I had been also impressed by Sakura's blooming because it seemed that Sakura's great vitality. I always think that it must be sublime so I can't stand close to it. Kajii writes that the blooming's beauty is because of the body under those trees. I can see that... this kind of idea might be the reason why I have been bullied.
Recently heavy snow affected my life, therefore, I can't ride my bike. So I go to the workplace on foot. It takes only 10 minutes to go but it makes me tired because of my fat body. Returning to my group home, I slept well. Just I slept, and also read Hitoshi Nagai's "Philosophical Investigations". I am this person and no one else. In short, this person who is writing this diary, watches weird videos, reads Hitoshi Nagai, and listens to Fujifabric. That's me. I have to be surprised at these activities. That confusion is in me... and this myself is also a single person for others. Other people have other personalities, and they are in this world. That makes me impressed. What a rich world it is.
In the 50s, I start thinking "how many Sakura I would be able to watch in this life?"... once I just believed without any sentimental emotion. "This life is over", "I don't care about my future, I would die alone so I decided to enjoy it now"... and I drank a lot. Now I feel a different opinion. "I just quit alcohol today. Just today". I can't see what this life would be like. I just do what I can do, and live every moment preciously to tomorrow. I believe that tomorrow would be a nice day. I enjoy Motojiro Kanjii, and also enjoy amazing music. Fujifabric, Spitz, and Sunny Day Service. Reading Ango also would be nice... my imagination increases.