Back To Life

Back To Reality

2022/02/10 English

I'm recording my reading on the site 'bookmeter'. Recently I tried to record the reading of Koutaro Sawaki's "Bourbon Street" and found the fact that I had already read this book. It seems that I had read this four years ago. I had completely forgotten about it so I could enjoy reading. It's a kind of luck or just a silly mistake? I'm writing a journal like this but I will forget the past days easily because I have no ability to reminiscence perfectly. Forgetting something (everything?) might be a source of happiness. I will forget more and more...

I am thinking about the mentality of saying "I got bored of my life!". Yes, I can also understand this opinion. For me, I would not taste the happiness that I had had when I had waited for the new releases by Fishmans and Haruki Murakami. But, people may say I must be a prisoner of the past, I can taste the pleasure of reading the books I had read in my past days fanatic. My age brings me that pleasure. The things I had got with surviving this age must get a certain 'actuality'. I believe so and that's my philosophy.

I can understand searching for the 'fullness' or 'value of the life'. But that kind of act as searching for a kind of shining (I should say 'getting thirsty') was the thing I had given up. Maybe I had been influenced by Wataru Tsurumi. I just want to chase the things that exist, not to the outside of me that would crush my boredom, but in me as saying "What is the thing you really want?" or "What is the thing you can taste as happiness?". 'In me'. If I chose a cool expression, I could say that the thing I want to exchange is my existence to get it.

The mentality which means looking for 'fullness' or 'value of the life' to the outside is, for me, the one which is trying to swallow the things that wouldn't 'fit' the person. Maybe it's the mentality of misunderstanding that someone's happiness must be the person's personal happiness. This might be just an imitation of 'sour grapes' but I had noticed that I couldn't get the top basically so I started giving up. I want to live a life that is not for climbing to the top, but for enjoying the ground's flowers and creeks. That might be a nice life. But maybe people say that that kind of life must be also controlled one by concerning someone's opinion.