Today I worked late. This morning I read Susumu Sogo's book with the music by McCoy Tyner. I thought that I am quite a snob person. As I always write, once I didn't try to listen to Jazz in my 20s and 30s but now I am into it. When I was young, I tried to listen to club jazz (like United Future Organization) and found that I couldn't understand. I might have to take a certain time to learn various things. Now I like United Future Organization.
In Susumu Sogo's essay, I read he writes about having an upper ambition. How about me? When I was in my 20s, I couldn't find any jobs so returned to this town, and became a heavy drinker. At that period I gave up having any ambition, and also gave up marriage and having my family. This might sound stupid, but I might try to live this life as a half-retired person. I tried to throw material happiness away and chase my happiness only... but now, I can find happiness in my work and reading.
What will I do next? I have to go to achieve my dream and ambition...I think this. When I was a child, I couldn't think of any dreams for my future. We can't predict our future (I even can't imagine how the world after 5 years would be). But we sometimes have to draw our dreams for the future. When I had to write about my future in the lesson, I tried to write a white lie. I have to admit that I am just living in now. Yes, we can go forward by having any dreams and hopes. It is a truth. But I am a person who only can live in "now and here".
Why should I work? Why should I live? ... I even think of these 'huge' questions this morning. Me, I just began my work because I had to live my life and eat my meals. But I also can remember that I had thought "if I couldn't endure this work, I would become an idiot". I won't deny NEET and hikikomori, but I couldn't choose those ways so I just worked to survive, and also trained myself. That lets me survive by now. If I got bored by this work, I would quit... and 20 years. As Kurt Vonnegut says, so it goes.
