BGM: Senri Oe "MAN ON THE EARTH"
Reading Susumu Sogo's "Can't Live Without Movies 1999-2002", I think about the calmness from the articles again. Once I had an idiot thought and believed that controversial articles or poisonous ones were catchy and therefore could attract more readers. Now I don't think so. I'm not good at discussion and do not want to blame someone else. I want to trust the power of calmness or mildness. The article moves with "walks of pigeons" as Nietzsche says.
From 1999 to 2002... I didn't have any interest in movies. And, I lost all the hope of living this real life. Any interesting events couldn't happen... I thought so and ran away from reality. I faced my personal computer and drank a lot of alcohol all day. I don't have any good memories of that time. The middle of the 20s must be the most interesting time or progressing time. But my life had stopped at that time. I thought I would die soon. In this countryside town, I just have to wait for death...
So I might not have any adolescence. Or I can say now is my adolescence. After my 40s, I fell in love with a woman. I did a lot of foolish struggle and gave up. Even that thing is a precious piece of my life for me. Stopping drinking alcohol, listening to the episodes from various ex-alcoholic people at Awaji isle, attending the meetings about autism... My life started moving in my 40s. Until that time my life was full of alcohol and therefore never read books or watch movies. Ah... a terrible period.
As I wrote yesterday, I will be 47 this year. But now I don't feel the calmness which comes from my age. I can say my mind is younger than that age. Yes, it can be a bad thing. It says my mind has not been getting old enough. But I think I want to enjoy it now, and I read books and learn English. This world is full of interesting things I guess. I can walk up to higher. Now I am trying to do a lot of things to enjoy. Although I listen to cool Jazz instead of catchy pop music.