BGM: Simon & Garfunkel - April Come She Will
It was a day off. This morning I went to the library and found that there was a corner dedicated to Kenzaburo Oe. I borrowed his "A Quiet Life", and went to AEON to read it. It was a really fine, marvelous sunshine outside there. If I am in such a fine day, I will remember the period I was a heavy drinker. As I have been writing every time, I can't drive any car and also can't enjoy any outdoor activity, so all I could do in this kind of day was just being soaked into alcohol with complaining as "it's quite boring". Every day, I felt depressed by the feeling as "today would end by just drinking alcohol"... now, this sober life is, for me, a great miracle. I used to try to kill the difficulty of my life (that was from the fact every day was boring), but I should accept that alcohol was a cause to increase that difficulty more and more. It is really ironical.
Reading "A Quiet Life", I thought that it was an "introspective" and "closed" one. But it won't be his self-healing. It takes the style of the "shi-shousetsu" (almost non-fiction of Oe's life) written by his daughter, but he tries to criticize himself with a objective perspective...no, going over the criticizing, he even tries to self-distract and remake himself. The characters talk about Tarkovsky and Celine, and compare Oe's thoughts and beliefs. Their conversations get heated and refer to God and "the end of the world". Writing his small life every day, he tries to find something universal into it. Therefore it has a profound content. Yes, this is really Kenzaburo Oe!
This afternoon, I met a woman. We went to AEON to buy my afternoon meal. The purpose is that checking how I should buy the meals to save more money. The woman said to me "you must make a purpose to save money". I just want to buy a new personal computer, so I should make a plan of saving money and try to check how much I should save from that plan. I rely on the staff of my group home about money, and I can't see how much I am saving now (this lack of skill of saving money comes from my autism... does it call someone's anger?). I have to send a LINE message to my facility manager about this. I really appreciate that woman because she shared her valuable time with me. I had lunch.
Today we had the "danshu" meeting. I talked about Shiso city there. Once I hated the life in Shiso city terribly... I just thought it was quite a boring place. I have to think about how we can keep on quitting alcohol because new members are joining. Not just enduring drinking alcohol, we should separate us from the drinking life which goes around alcohol without any regret, and have to "start our life again". Me, once I was soaked into alcohol, and I just believed that "Dying by alcohol must be sublime" so "I want to die by alcohol". So it took a long time to live again from quitting alcohol with a certain decision. I wish the new members accepted my story, and also I wish they got something from my experience...
