Back To Life

Back To Reality

2021/12/17 English

BGM: Kenny Loggins "Footloose"

This year I become 46 years old, but it's sad to say that I don't feel I've become the man who has the worth of that age. On the contrary, the more I get my ages, the more I feel like I am going back to my childhood. As I'm writing nowadays, I think about delusions like a pervert or an idiot. Or I still have a fear to be scolded by my boss. I respect Sanma Akashiya, a Japanese famous comedian. Because he shows his philosophy about aging and becoming a mature person. When do I become an adult?

In my 30s, I thought that I had a borderline personality disorder. In other words, I was an "attention seeker". Just for getting attention from someone, I said I would die and made other people worry... this too sensitive personality or emotion made a lot of trouble between me and other friends. At that time, I also asked "Why should we live?" and made trouble with other members of a mailing list I had joined... From that point, I could have walked forward? My point of view has changed? I wish it was. Rolling stones gather no moss. Everything flows...

I might rely on this small head too much. This small head tries to grip everything happening in the world and forgets the fact that there are invisible things or too big things which are beyond my head... So I should trust invisible things or the chaos itself that is out of logic. Einstein said that “There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle”. I like this policy. For me, the fact that this world just exists in this way can be a miracle. Yes, it is just an enigma.

This year ends soon. Ah, what a great year! I started using the app clubhouse and could meet Judith. I also started writing this journal. Looking back on my reading, I read Yoshio Kataoka's "Outside of Japanese" because I wanted to learn about the relationship between English and Japanese by using clubhouse. I decided to start learning English seriously again... I started the trial of writing notes in English and still I am doing so. I can't see how I will be able to go forward but I would keep on expressing myself in English. A person sent me a friend request today. Oh my gosh! I am just a dumb, old dude...