Back To Life

Back To Reality

2021/12/07 English

BGM: Mogwai "Christmas Steps"

I'm feeling that I reached the dead-end of my work. I'm thinking if I should do my work more... If I should do, then why I should? This feeling is already I know. I felt like this 10 years ago. In the previous section of my company, I had a terrible delusion of self hurting. Everyone blamed me and treated me as a useless dude... actually, everyone exactly did and I could nothing against it. I just drank a lot of alcohol... and at last, I gave up and took a lot of medicines and got down. The effort I did, or the future which would wait for me, everything was nonsense for me... the way that erased my messed mind which felt the strong stress from my job was just doing overdose.

I woke up and found I was lying on the bed of a hospital. My parents called an ambulance. I stayed there five days and had been at home for about three months. What I had done was just drink alcohol so much every day. I couldn't find the meaning of this life which was full of disappointment. I thought death in a dazed mind by alcohol was sublime. Dear readers. You might think that "Why don't you change your environment? You can change your job or the place you live. There must be another way". Yes, of course, it is true. But I have no power to create "another way" to live on and find my future. Everything was at a dead-end.

During the period I stayed at home for about three months, I had read an anthology which Cyoukitsu Kurumatani edited "The Will-power of A Write". This anthology was quite a great masterpiece by Kurumatani I believe. I touched on various aspects of our lives and the richness of the world in the literature. Life must not be the straight way to becoming bigger. Atsushi Mori traveled many times. Exactly Kurumatani lived his life as a nameless worker with no hope. I thought I should find truths and hopes in my life by my way.

Compared with that period, I can find now the people who are trying to understand me. They show tears for me, stay there and think with me. But also I still feel I am at a dead-end. What should I do? I can find nothing. Probably it is exactly the time I should read "The Will-power of A Writer". Ah... every time I lost my way or my hope, books and music have helped me. In my teens when I hated everything in this world. At the period as a business person when everybody treated me as a useless person... and now. The time I can do nothing might be when I have to read books at first and gain some power from them.