Back To Life

Back To Reality

2021/12/06 English

BGM: 10cc "I'm Not In Love"

I'm reading Antonio R. Damasio's book "Descartes' Error". This book has various episodes of the people who got injured in their brains. That changed their mind/character. What if we lost our emotions and got minds to flatten? This book lets me think about that. Once I thought, even if it must be "the error because of adolescence", that my mind/emotion was optional and therefore an obstacle. I can get hurt in my mind easily so I tried to train it to get numb. I wanted to be cool, cruel, like a machine. Yes, I wanted to be an automatic thinking machine.

This morning, I attended to the room by Judith as usual. She let me read my journal but it wasn't suitable for crisp morning talk. I felt ashamed and said so. Judith said it was alright. I can share whatever I want because we are friends... Those words made me cry a little. Once I had believed these words "Solitude makes us profound and strong" so tried to be alone and read a lot of books during my youthful days. But, of course, I noticed that I always needed friends... I thought that. Now I have friends. At everywhere. On Discord, MeWe, Facebook, and so on.

If I get bored of reading Damasio, I try to read Markus Gabriel's book "Why the World Does Not Exist". In this book, he writes about the possibilities of the things we imagine. For example, if I imagine a pink elephant, that pink elephant can exist in this world (of course, it can exist in my imagination in this world). Everything can exist except "whole the world". It is beyond the world which we have as common sense. Very rich philosophy which tells about thrilling possibilities.

At 3 pm, I met a friend of mine and we discussed how we would move to use job coaches. TBH, I doubt why I do like this. I should obey the orders the company says and kill myself. Just work, that's enough at all... If it might be out of my concern, I could go to Tokyo or somewhere else... But I was born even if I have never asked for being in this world. In addition, as an autistic person. Then, I want to change the world for me... to live easier. No, I should say that this is not only for me but for everyone. I believe so... it is a daydream or delusion... or madness?