Back To Life

Back To Reality

2021/11/16 English

This year is ending. This season reminds me of my past days. In my 30s, the days that my life just had begun, I committed suicide because the season was too busy and my boss got angry about my dumbness from my autism... (this sounds tricky but I didn't want to die completely, just I wanted to throw everything away and stop thinking more). My company let me stop working at that season but all I did was just drink alcohol a lot. I thought my life was ended and maybe I was born to be a loser, so I shouldn't be born in this world...

At that period I still read books. I can remember the anthology "The willpower of literal person" which is edited by Cyoukitsu Kurumatani, the writer who was raised in Bansyu, here. I like Cyoukitsu Kurumatani and the anthology which is compiled by the selection of his personal life was brilliant because he was also a person who had to live his hard period. Now I say this life is (or this world is) full of sh*t to live. But I might be able to live because I've read a lot of books. My life is full of literature... As Souseki says "Just like a cow".

I did my job. Reality always controls me. I'm not free. I am needed to do a lot of tasks which comes from my company. I have to do them. But within doing my tasks, I can act freely (this might sound like Spinoza or Kouichiro Kokubun). How should I do tasks with my free-acting? The difficulty or pleasure of our works is in there in my opinion. I have to obey other person's purpose and limits. But within the limitation, I can do free to realize the purpose. This paradoxical fact!

In my private life, I always think useless things. I watch horny videos and think I wouldn't work if I got enough money. I want to live lazy spending money from my parent's heritage... but somewhere in my mind, I don't agree with this idea. Yes, I can drink alcohol because it won't violate the law. But I won't. I want to think about autism more and read books. Maybe because there is a personality who says his thought in my work. Or I should say that he comes from somewhere in my mind when I start working. He and I are connected... No way! I can't believe it because I am now as I am an owner of a lazy personality now. But it's also me.