I have difficulty writing this journal until I start to write it. I write this by looking at Maruman's memo pad which I put in my pants pocket. Today I thought that "when is the time I feel my mind gets warm?". For example, if I was said "thank you" then my mind gets warm. Or if I stay somewhere nice my mind gets so (my comfortable home or crowded places as a department store...). Or I move my body my mind also gets so. In this cold season, if my body and mind get so then I can feel happiness. Just eating a delicious meal makes me warm.
As I write every time, I think how my life would be if I could do the things I had wished in my 20s and 30s. If I could be a writer, or be a worker at a publisher... we shouldn't think about "if" in history because it could be banal easily. But I think if I could be so then I would be spoiled. I had lived a hard life until my 40s but it was needed to me. I needed such a roundabout way... I drank alcohol and lived lonelily... they made me deep. Of course, I still live a hard life but...
How can paradoxical ideas stay in my mind? I think like that. Or I could feel the emotion "I had never felt until now"? "A brand new emotion"? Today I thought such philosophical things too much so I couldn't control my mind even if I started working. We will have a meeting about my contract soon but I feel difficulty because we (I and my clews) have our ideas and the company has their logic. Which should I obey? I can't see so I feel sick... TBH I think I should quit this job (not always but it could happen).
It is not the problem any logic can solve. I always follow my hunch or inspiration and solve this kind of difficulty. Maybe I could find a better workplace for money and the environment. But I do my current work because my inspiration says "you should stay there and find something". A general employee said "you are just a part-time worker" but I believed "Perseverance prevails". I will keep on this work with patience, chasing the idea of autistic people's happiness.
