I think... what do the people who hated and bullied me do now? They forgot me? So I should forgive and forget them? Probably Borges said that oblivion is the best way of revenge... once I thought that I wanted to set fire to the houses of the people who bullied me seriously. I told this to a person and was said "Profound. But everybody has that kind of memory which they don't want to remember". Then everybody has their fury to someone else and lives their life? Really?
What is myself? How to grip this me which is always running away from my thinking. It might be impossible. It is like grabbing the flow of rivers or time... Maybe. Yes, it is nonsense. Then, that fact says I am a flowing object or liquid. The people in Hong Kong used the slogan "Be Water" when they have done their political movement... My liquid mind is being carried in my physical pot. It is just an image but interesting as killing time.
I read Yoshimichi Nakajima's "70 years old's despair". Yoshimichi Nakajima, at last, arrived in his 70s and still thinks about difficult problems about death and time. It's philosophical and profound. "All the sickness of our life goes to the thought that is just we are here in the end". This point appealed to me. Sometimes I think like that. If a person reads Haruki Murakami and Mieko Kanai again and again, then they could become me. Therefore I have no originality. I am just empty and made by the things other people delivered to me... of course, this idea doesn't make "all the sickness of my life" easier.
How to grab me? We say we are only one. There is a fact that no one can live my life so I am a special person. No one can't be the spare of me. But even how harder I try, the language of mine or the activity I do are accepted as "an ordinary person has done". I am special for me. But other people treat me as an ordinary person. Then how do I think about other people? I thought like this. How will I do when I arrive in my 70s? What will I do for my living? Yoshikichi Furui wrote "Shirowada", a dazing masterpiece in his 70s. Oh my gosh.