Today I worked from 10 am. Before the work, I thought about myself. I felt that I couldn't be satisfied... But I also can't see how I can be satisfied. How do I want to be? When I started working, I could forget about this as usual... I remember Yasujiro Ozu's movies. In Ozu's movies, people say that "If you say your desire, you can't stop saying it infinitely" and try to accept the current situation. Now, this state is just happiness... In a way, this vague nothingness (and that's all) might be happiness. If so, I wouldn't have any big problems as hunger or illness.
I will live in my 50s life. I've read the articles of blogs which tell us how the 50s life should be. I will live the same life as this. I read books, listen to music, and watch movies. This is far from the ideal life I used to imagine when I was a child. I can't build a house even if I work hard. I don't have a family and am not a great person in my office... But that's also life, isn't that? We know Atsushi Mori, who is a person who did wandering trips and writing novels. He got the Akutagawa prize and lived in chaos. That kind of chaos is the wonderfulness of our life. I am also living in chaos I think...
I've read "Norwegian Wood" until the end. It's so sad, so crisp love story. When I was in my teens, I had an idea which I could stay and live at the hospital Naoko was in (separated from the outside completely!). But Naoko and her friend Reiko go out from there. They grow up by the main character. And he also grows up. We can't stay at the same place forever. We have to change... and, don't worry, we actually change. This novel tells us that kind of truth.
I've watched Mike Mills's "Beginners". I had an interest in this movie because the same director's "20th-century woman" was great. I am reminded of Woody Allen by this movie. It was neat and sophisticated. It also has a unique lightness. It tries to tell heavy content as a light and comical story. Of course, if you talk about something with lightness, the heaviness in it has a unique meaning. Just like Yasujiro Ozu's movies... or Haruki Murakami's "Hear The Wind Sings" (it also contains lightness and heaviness). I also remember "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" by Milan Kundera (Ah... I've never read it...).