Today I went to the hospital and talked to my doctor. I talked about the period I had lost the passion to live. I should live the working time and the private time carefully and taste them. That's everything and I shouldn't avoid living it. Writing novels without them means just meaningless... Ah, once I couldn't stop drinking alcohol so I drank it just before meeting my doctor. Now I can meet him(or her) with this sober mind. But I talk to him(or her) about the same topic. Just for getting medicines... I remember the movie "Joker".
I've watched the movie "Shin Evangelion". "Neon Genesis Evangelion" which had begun when I was a college student is over with this movie. The director Hideaki Anno gave his life to this masterpiece and it shows all of his(or their) technique and unique philosophy. I remind of Shinji's struggle which shows the attitude of staying brave and saying "I shouldn't run away!" that the days I also had tried to stay brave and do my work. This anime has the charm which makes me talking my weak points and the pitiful things I got from my life. I enjoyed this anime fully.
In addition, I have watched the documentary of Hideaki Anno "Farewell every Evangelion" at a half. But who is Hideaki Anno? This documentary doesn't tell his personality. Just seeing this documentary Anno seems not the person who talks about himself only but tries to let the anime talk. He tries to give the anime the proper space and get satisfied. That is the main difference from his mental boss Hayao Miyazaki. It's interesting.
The night, I had to do nothing so started reading Fernando Pessoa's "The Book Of Disquiet" again. I want to read this book when I have nothing to read. The content is about the idleness of the modern person. Or the thoughts which the author writes with no purpose or no dream. He lives for nothing but he should live his life. The dutiful attitude was shown by this book. It doesn't make my mind clear, and also no money I can make from this book. But this book lets my mind calm. I also sometimes feel sick because I should live and not die. Yes, it is a kind of trap. We live for nothing. We live because just we live (and this is sublime).