I worked late today. This morning I thought that "Can I still live this life?". I still have been depressed... Can I live? That is too much, and it sounds like "Neon Genesis Evangelion". But I can't accept my life therefore I even think that I need a kind of license or permission. I can be here... I will be 50 soon, but I have been haunted by this kind of ridiculous idea. The wounds I had owed still hurt in me... What how I can do about that?
But how the wounds I owed work, or how laziness rules me, if the time comes, then I change my clothes and wear socks, and I choose the books I will read and leave my group home to start my work. Automatically, or naturally... this is the thing I found when I become about my 50s. A life hack I have. Not being controlled by mood, haunted by depression. Just do what I have to do. Throwing myself into my work, that might bring me some surprises. Or just doing my work by deleting my ego means parting myself from silly desires. It eases my mind. I try to control myself like that,
This afternoon I talked about Judith on WhatsApp. Judith advised me that I would better make a book from this diary. Making a book... I talked about this to other friends. Of course, it has no clear shape so I shouldn't expect something from it. But I'm glad that Judith suggested this and thought for me as a friend. Ah, in this world there are certainly many people who smile or get angry for me, or make a plan with me. That fact is enough for me to feel thankful. I hoped that I would enjoy talking with Judith on clubhouse.
I read Haruki Murakami's "Norwegian Wood" in English. I talked to other friends about that I would help staff as an interpreter at the festival in my city, and they got praised about it. Ah, people get pleased with the news... that pleasure gives me a certain power. I will learn English more because of that. On next Wednesday, I will attend another meeting. I have to live and survive this life for other friends. My life isn't full of glory, or never flourish one. But enjoying every event like this, I would find that my life isn't so bad. Indeed, reality bites but I will go through the music by Mute Beat (a Japanese reggae band).