2022/07/31 English

BGM: Ryuichi Sakamoto "energy flow"

I've read Yoshio Kataoka's book "Thinking Japanese by English". I felt that Kataoka must be very clever and sensitive. I guess that he tries to write about the process of changing various Japanese into English inside himself. How do the words change in his filter? This must be possible because he believes in his sense of criticism. I think he can have kept on writing as a novelist, an essayist, and a critic until now, across the walls of those genres. I should read the novels he has left, but I can't because of my idleness.

People often say that reading is great. I don't think so. I just read books because I have no way of spending my free time. Or I can say that I don't know the ways of spending them with friends like Haruki Murakami's world's people don't know so. Or I should say that this is the heritage of the past myself who had been troubled by being bullied. I just ran into the books and that was all I could... When I was a high school student, I was almost dead in a classroom and read Banana Yoshimoto and Ryu Murakami. Listening to Pizzicato Five, I kept imagining a sophisticated life in Tokyo. I have walked far from there.

At dinner time, I got the news that a person had passed away. He was the person who helped me very well at the 'danshu' meeting. He had stood by me when I was just a beginner of 'danshu', stopping drinking, and staying sober. He always praised me. I have learned that the meeting itself was made by him, and he guided the road of stopping drinking alcohol for beginners like me. Yes, they must be his great works. I'm exactly feeling thankful for him. I could meet him, that was glad to me. Rest in peace, and thank you again.

Even if I hear that sad news, my body keeps moving actively. My stomach goes empty, and I even eat something now. I ate cooked chicken as dinner, and spent the time until I go to bed with Ian McEwan's "First Love, Last Rites". I was impressed because this book already has classical greatness. Indeed, this has sensational topics, but I can read this steadily and get dazed by the echoes this book has. I can't believe that this is his debut book. I can read his early works from a library, so I will try them. Yoshio Kataoka, Ian McEwan, Ian Banks, Don Delillo. Summertime reading goes on.

2022/07/30 English

BGM: Momus "Marquis of Sadness"

I went to a library and borrowed Ian McEwan's "First Love, Last Rites". I started reading now(this is my reading style. I just read the books I want to read rapidly and freely). Coming to this age, I found that the books I have read seem more interesting than the ones I have never read. Ian McEwan is the author I started reading by the influence of Itaru Mita, a Japanese music journalist. Quite interesting. This book is full of 'kinky' stories but his attitude toward writing is very serious therefore it knocks on my heart exactly.

I got the book by Yoshio Kataoka "Thinking Japanese in English" as a used one. I am also reading this step by step. His affirmation seldom causes me certain suspicions, but his logical thinking of English exactly impresses me. The thing we need to translate Japanese into English might be the decision of exchanging things into it by omitting optional things. Kataoka's this book gives us a clue about that exchange. I want to follow his way of thinking English modestly to improve my English.

Today I slept soon after work and came to my group home. So I couldn't watch "Extraordinary Attorney Woo". While I was awake, I just did read some books and chatted on Discord. During that chat, they talked about their memories of first love. I have no memories of it because I had been hated by girls terribly. But I think that once I met a woman who was a bookworm and did her website of books when I was in my 30s. That might be my 'first love'. Time flies and life goes on... to be continued.

And I started thinking that I want to write about my memories of 'first love' and 'platonic love'. Once, when I was a high school student and had no friends, I read Haruki Murakami's "Norwegian Wood" and thought about 'pure love' in it, and also thought about an adult relationship in it (both can be in one book. This book says so). When I was so young, I didn't read Dostoevsky. Yes, I am that kind of person and I won't blame myself. I go my way.

2022/07/29 English

I worked late. This morning I read Yoshio Kataoka's "Life of the languages" again. There are many books that criticize the language Japanese. Of course, some of them are really masterpieces. But I thought that Yoshio Kataoka does a different approach from them. He tries to think about the Japanese that went through the filter of Kataoka himself. Thinking about the weird expressions he met, or the phrases he got interested in. Of course, this work must need the trust of his senses. I am impressed by his keen senses. I want to think about the Japanese and English around the world that express sensitive things.

This book tries to ask the question "The Japanese language is illogical or not?". I am a person who lives inside the Japanese language, therefore I think that we can do logical work in Japanese (as I always say). If you thought that Japanese was illogical, that would come from the tolerance of Japanese that swallows foreign language freely. It swallows very, very freely... But I need to think about this again. I want to read Minae Mizumura's "When the Japanese language perishes", which once became a best seller., and think about this more and more.

After that, I read the book "From Akihabara". I am interested in the word by Tomohiro Kato, the criminal of the Akihabara massacre. That is "I would kill anyone". This word might be the same as the one "Help me (anyone is OK)" or "I wanna die (anyone helps me)" basically. I can't ignore the attitude "Anyone is OK", because this attitude says that he/she sees the world as something very flat. Indeed, I read the word "I wanna die" many times. I even said that openly. Then, once I also thought that this world was very flat. This might help me think about Kato.

Ah, once I thought I wanted to die, and I even tried to do so... a shameful memory. I even read "Man’s Search For Meaning" by V. E. Frankl. The only wish I had was I would be a writer and become bigger than anyone else, and change my life. Yes, I was a fool. About 10 years had passed. I might have to read Herman Hesse or Frankl again. How long I could walk forward to this state? I need to think about that...

2022/07/28 English

BGM: Lenny Kravitz "Stand By My Woman"

Today I worked early. At lunchtime, I bought a lunchbox and ate it at a food court. I enjoyed listening to George Michael's album "Faith" again at that time. TBH I started writing about my youth time's memories at a Japanese site Kakuyomu (I also translate it and post to Wattpad) and decided to dedicate this to George Michael. "Faith" is a very pure album. It also has too sensational songs, but totally it is a pop and soulful one I believe. It was a good friend when I was a high school student (My novel is very lewd so read with care!)

https://www.wattpad.com/story/317624764-the-drownerswww.wattpad.com

It seems that my taste in music has gone back to music in the 90s like George Michael. Or Suede, Blur, Oasis... I couldn't imagine this when I was at my 20s, but my sense of music exactly gets older. I can feel it. The musicians who are on the trend are, Of course, very brilliant (now is the time that our tastes in music get developed, therefore 'diversified'. Then, getting popularity must be very, very hard!). But I am actually going back... Probably I will be listening to this kind of 90s music and become an old person.

I read a book I had borrowed from a library. It was edited by Masachi Ohsawa, "From Akihabara". This has quite a heavy content so I read it step by step, and I found that this book says that Tomohiro Kato, the criminal, might need the 'closer' person. In other words, we need to be alone so we need someone else as the 'closer' person ('closer' is the keyword that the writer made by himself). I thought this was important. I have got the 'closer' people by lucky meetings, and the trust I have made with them let me grow up and think positively. If Kato had that kind of 'closer' person?

At night, I attended an online meeting on ZOOM and enjoyed a lecture about 'the first star'.I couldn't follow well because it was out of my interest, but the presenter spoke to us in a friendly way and with a very clear metaphor so I started to have an interest. I felt that I was almost in the world of Kenji Miyazawa's "The Night of the Milky Way Train". I remembered the scene the main character learned about the galaxy. This hot summer, trying to read Kenji Miyazawa or Genichiro Takahashi sounds good.

2022/07/27 English

BGM: Tom Waits "Time"

A day off. I went to a library and borrowed two books about execution. I went to Aeon and read Kazumi Mukai's "Happiness called as book clubs". Although I read books, I don't like the 'snob' mood of 'bookworms'. I'm saying about the people who think they are 'chosen' just because they like books and read some books well. But I thought that this book tells us how the habit of reading books can work in our life, especially for the people who don't like reading or the people who have not been saved by books. And this book can be a kind of a book guide. I want to try Proust again by this book.

After that, I attended the room Judith had opened on Clubhouse. Today she opened a small room so it was really cozy. I told her that I had borrowed Yoko Tawada's novel "The Emissary" from the library, then she showed an interest in that. I told her that "I spend about three hours reading(I am not interested in TV or games)", but she understood it as "I spend about three hours reading one book a day". No way! I never think 'rapid reading' is good. Judith always saves my poor English and also my mind.

This afternoon, I checked Netflix and found a Korean drama "Extraordinary Attorney Woo". It was about the daily life of the first lawyer lady in Korea. I tried watching the first episode. The main character Woo has a smart brain (IQ164) and she can remember all the books she has read, and she starts working at a law office as a lawyer. Indeed, it is on the stereotype of 'autistic people must be genius', but it was a great drama and I was into it. She is charming and brilliant, but also she has a lot of trouble in her life. How does the drama develop? I want to know her 'human' aspect.

At night, I went to the 'danshu' meeting. I heard that a person who helps me was now sick in a hospital. When I met him for the first time, he said that "Let's get happy!". I can remember that. At that time, I was only caring about myself only therefore I couldn't understand what it would mean. Now I can understand. Every day, steadily, we stop drinking. Step by step. We should live modestly (he is exactly modest). Happiness is on that stairs. I wish he would come back. 7 years since I had stopped drinking. At last, I felt certain happiness, but he is just the person who notified me of that simple fact, therefore I feel thankful for him.

2022/07/26 English

BGM: Bruce Springsteen "Born In The U.S.A."

I worked early today. I heard that the criminal of the Akihabara massacre Tomohiro Kato had passed away by the 'execution'. It shocked me a little. I can say that I have lived in a situation that is similar to Kato so I feel a certain sympathy. Of course, I never forgive his massacre. It must be terrible and I won't forgive him. Or I have to think like this. If I said about the sympathy in myself carefully, it would damage the family of the victims exactly. Therefore I lose my words.

About the 'death penalty', I choose the attitude of 'agreeing negatively'. The 'death penalty' can be bad because it takes the chances of the criminal's possibility of living on and compensating for their sin away. But I also have to think about the problem of caring for the victim's family's damaged mind that would feel a certain outrageousness for the fact that the criminal is still alive. If the criminal owed their 'death penalty' and the family got saved by it, I couldn't say that should be infantile or naive. If I heard "the criminal like Kato must be punished as the 'death penalty' and that would save me", how I could face that state of mind? I lose my words there. So I choose the attitude of 'agreeing negatively'.

Indeed, I had been bullied by classmates. After that, I couldn't get any fine jobs therefore once I had to live with a wave of huge anger in my mind like the main character of Bruce Springsteen's "Born In The U.S.A.". I even think about why I didn't become the person who would do a violent action with a knife at Aeon in my town. It must be strange but I guess that was because I was the person who could ease my anger with Kenzaburo Oe's and Kenji Nakagami's literature. Or maybe that was because I could grow up with terrible mistakes and shames with the people I could trust. Yes, I must be a happy... or lucky person. I want to read some non-fiction books about Kato and think about this issue.

At night, I went to the English conversation class. Today's topic was 'how do we Japanese people enjoy summer days?'. Shiso city has no amusement parks. It is very countryside so you can't use Uber Sweets. But you can swim in the rivers in the city and go to forests to get stag beetles. You also can go fishing. Once I would be disappointed because of this too rural situation and must drink a lot of alcohol with a wave of huge anger. Now I can feel a connection with the students who enjoy learning English. The connection would grow us up and ease our minds. Yes, it must be true because my life itself must be the evidence for me.

2022/07/25 English

A day off, and the day I have to go to meet my doctor (once a month). I thought that Judith might open her room as yesterday, but she didn't. I wanted to talk to her about books, but that can happen. I talked to my doctor about my recent days. About the problems of women I have, even the leader of my group home listened to me. That was really glad to me... I talked about this to him (Ah, this problem let my head almost burst!). After that meeting, I got some medicines. I went to Aeon and read Yoshio Kataoka's "Japanese and English" again. This book is compact, but I can't handle it roughly.

I heard that Yoshio Kataoka writes on index cards the expressions of Japanese and English he thinks they are interesting or strange as memos. And after the process of forgetting them, he reads them again and thinks about their meanings. In other words, he meets the past besides various English and Japanese writers as one of strangers. And such a keen sensitivity to finding some strangeness in himself, he can write his works with creativity more. I had the idea like this. Once I tried to follow him and use index cards too, but now I use memo pads.

And I have finished reading Yoko Tawada's "Exophony", which was halfway I had read. This title means 'going out of mother tongue'. But I guess that she is brave because she tries to lose herself between her mother tongue and another language, in other words, she doesn't have any mother tongues, even if she speaks Japanese and German fluently. I was impressed when I read that she told us we can write more exactly and bravely without any taboos we have within our mother tongue if we write something in a foreign language. Indeed, sometimes I find it becomes clearer if I use English in my writing. I should write my hard problems in English.

At night, I had some lewd obsessions. They always haunt me... and finally, I thought "why don't I write this?". Without any plots and structures, I wanted to write about the things that haunt me 'now' without thinking of any future. So I decided to write it as my bitter-sweet memories. Yes, it must be edgy but some of my friends read and enjoyed it. That was good for me. But how should I open it in the end? If you thought you wanted to read it, then notify me, please.