2022/07/24 English

BGM: John Scofield "A Go Go"

A day off. In the morning, I went to a library and borrowed two of Yoko Tawada's books. I started reading one of them, her "Journal of walking with languages", but I found that Judith had started her room on Clubhouse so I went in. As usual, I read my journal aloud, and we talked about the reading we always do. She asked me how I choose the books I am reading, and I found it was too difficult to answer exactly. I choose my books from a Japanese app 'bookmeter' and my friends' tweets, but I mainly follow my inspiration. About Yoko Tawada's books, I had thought that I need to read them 'now'. That's the problem of my hunch or instinct.

I usually read books with music, and I thought that "Journal of walking with languages" suited hip hop as a 'miss matching' so I chose Jungle Brothers. Both of them might have some kind of 'wildness'. Or I might have to say they are 'hybrid'. In Japanese, we have the word 'zatsu(雑)' as 'rough' or 'wild'. But this can't have any positive meanings. I guess that Tawada doesn't believe in the power of the 'beautiful Japanese', but she tries to think deeply about Japanese slang, and 'eats' them as an essence of her literature. I want to express how she is brave with the word 'zatsu', but that might not work as praise.

The opposite word of 'zatsu' must be 'jun(純)', as 'pure'. I remember that the Hatena blog's operators made the word 'jun nikki(純日記)'. The 'pure diary'! It might mean that the action of writing about every day's event must be beautiful. But I want to say that 'zatsu nikki(雑日記)' is also powerful. The toughness of 'zatsu' allows us to eat various events in our everyday life and output as a great journal. I quoted 'zatsu nikki' from Tetsuo Kokawa, a Japanese professor of sociology. As you know, 'hybrid' dogs and cats are really strong. And I also try to make my thoughts as 'being hybrid'.

In the afternoon, I met the leader of my group home. I confessed my worries to him. About the problem of needing any women... Of course, it couldn't be solved from the base. But I could understand that my worries could be sharable with others, or could be understood by others. That was really glad for me. After that, I went to Aeon and controlled my Instagram page with my smartphone, and also read Yoko Tawada's "Exophony". I thought I wanted to read Yoshio Kataoka's essays about English and Japanese, but his "Thinking Japanese by English" was already out of print. Oh my!

2022/07/23 English

It was a very crisp morning today. Ah, though I always write this, such a crisp day brings me the memory of my young drunken days. I can't drive any cars, so at that time I could go nowhere even if it was a day off, and I just drank a lot of cheap liquors because I had no money and was bored. Yes, I just drank and slept all day... Ah, I even wished I could die by alcohol. Now I can live with a sober mind and Pat Metheny's music. This ordinary fact has certain happiness for me.

I read Yoko Tawada's "The Emissary". I can always feel from her works certainly funny and thrilling humor (or charm). But "The Emissary" brought me a nostalgic touch. I even thought that I had seen this scenery somewhere in Japan. I exactly watched a touch of 'now' at the scene elder people help young people's life paradoxically. This is the brief story of we Japanese, who had to experience 3.11 and corona. In this way, it might be one of the most 'vivid' novels now. Yes, this is exactly a dystopia.

At the closed group that I am a member of and talk about autism, a friend sent us a LINE message. She said that we are connected because we all are thinking 'we should support ourselves independently'. Exactly I might learn the principle of self-determination and self-responsibility. In the end, I should decide at the ultimate moment... The principle of self-help...caring for myself and deciding forward. But it is possible because true friendship or human relationship works as a safety net. This group is exactly such a great safety net. I'm feeling thankful for that.

Because of "The Emissary", I want to read her essay "Exophony". And also I want to write various memos of the notices I am getting by the process of expressing myself in English on Discord and WhatsApp. Once, a friend had said to me "Do you use any foreign language?" and I had said, "No way, I have never studied abroad". At that time, I couldn't imagine that I could express something in English like now. Ah, things change like this.

2022/07/22 English

Today I worked late. In the morning, I read Yoko Tawada's "America" with Pat Metheny's "Day Trip". Quite interesting. I even thought that I could write my novel like her. I guess that one of this book's themes is nationality. What country do you belong to? Or what country's identity do you owe. In other words, can we be free from any country's nationality? The America Tawada describes with her sensitive style is a very attractive continent. It's a spicy, delicious novel. I want to write like her, but I can't write novels.

Once I laughed at the nationalists who think about being bound by a single nation. I was once an aggressive person so even though "any nations are imaginary things" and "We have to be free from nations and live independently". I can remember how I was foolish. Now I can see. However I try to live and think apart from any nation, my thoughts and opinions are supported by the country Japan I have been in. I like Radiohead, but I like Buck-Tick more and their music exactly eases me. It's a nationality I guess.

I had time so started reading Yoko Tawada's "The Emissary". It is a tale of an imaginary Japan that seems experienced a 3.11 earthquake. Japan has been closed now and their foreign languages have been prohibited. The tale tells about various people who live in a damaged country. I have been impressed so much and thought that it exactly tells us about 'now'. Indeed, it is because this tale tells about 3.11. But I feel that this tale foresight the corona disease of 'now' and described it vividly. Yes, I felt afraid of Tawada's keen eyes. I want to read this book's English version too.

I took an account on Instagram again. I will upload the thoughts I have and the memo I sometimes write frequently. Today I thought about the problems of nationality. I don't know what people say about this in English culture, but in Japan, it is often connected with the problem of 'blood'. The 'blood' runs in everyone's body and mind. People hate any 'mixed' identity because it denies the purity of 'blood'. But I should think more deeply. I want to ask others about this to others and do some 'sessions'.

www.instagram.com

2022/07/21 English

Today I worked early. At lunchtime, a friend shared with me a collection of Nightingale's quotes on Facebook. That collection embraced me exactly. I felt that her will said she would owe the responsibility to her life, and I thought I also should do so. Probably I would hate these quotes if I was young. Yes, I lived a very miserable life and believed that I couldn't change its situation, therefore I drank a lot. But I am sober now and can see this. Life can be changed by me, or I should say that I can change my attitude toward it by me.

And I felt thankful for her kindness that letting her share them with me. I thought that I was never alone again. Ah, when I met her for the first time, she told me about the episode of the 'first penguin'. Every group has a few active pioneers that try to change its state. I can't see if this is happy or not, but I accept that I am an autistic person. And I am now trying to move to change my workplace. I have never thought that I had such big potential in myself. I even thought that I would die alone without anything, but the situation exactly changed.

But I am not such a serious person at all. Or I can even say that I am just serious when I write something like this. In my life, I am just thinking about lewd ideas or ridiculous delusions (such as "Why do the golf balls have dimples? They crushed acne too much at their young age?"). Or I am just influenced by the book Andrey Tarkovsky"s "Sculpting in time" and think I should watch his movies again. Or I can say that I might be the most paradoxical person in this world. Yes, I am an idiot. I want to be a person who appears in Tarantino's movies.

At night I attended an online meeting. We had the topic of scams. The host told us about his personal episode that he had written his personal information into the sight of a 'fake' Amazon one. And it leads us to the topic of the relationship between Amazon and real book stores. We also talked about friend requests on Facebook and the difficulty of using passwords. I didn't share this idea because I didn't want to confuse them, but I guess that the confusion of what the vaccination should be, and also the trouble of handling corona, might be seen as 'cheating'. Now we can see that infected people exactly increases. But we should see how many people are seriously ill or dead. This is the opinion of the co-worker I respect at my workplace. I have to check my literacy ability like this.

2022/07/20 English

I talked with a friend in the Kyusyu area on WhatsApp. I asked him about the heavy rain there. He said it was not serious so I felt relieved. I shared the news from a site that Johnny Marr and Bobby Gillespie had played together at Primal Scream's live. It has been a long time since I stopped following their movement, but I still believe that they are great pioneers. Now they have become legends. It seems that rock music in me stopped in the 90s. Yes, Britpop, triphop, and lo-fi...

Today I had a strange thought. I am here from a life. I graduated from Waseda and did a wandering, and experienced some dramas. But somewhere in my mind, I am thinking that "My life wouldn't end here, someone would find me". This idea is dangerous because I guess that the idea that I have never been treated fairly will become certain hate. I remember a person who assassinated Shinzo Abe in recent news. His hate might be from the thought he hadn't been treated fairly... of course, this is just my idea.

I am from a generation which is called the 'lost generation'. This generation is one of the baby boomer generations so we should win the battle of school exams. And even if we won, we should feel sick because we couldn't find any good job easily because of economical depression. I am also a loser at job hunting so felt bad. If I guessed that I and he are the same generation, then I could see what he saw in his mind. Of course, the era's atmosphere would make the criminal's mind. And also his or her personal experiments could make a motivation. I want to follow the news about him.

Now I'm reading Shohei Ohoka's "Seijo Press". He was in his 70s, but he watched movies such as "Apocalypse Now" and listened to 'new music' like Alice and Miyuki Nakajima with his fresh senses. This book is his journal from those things. Quite interesting. I imagine how he would describe this age if he was alive. And also I thought that I had to follow his fresh senses. His fair attitude is excellent. I want to read more.

2022/07/19 English

A day off. In the morning, I had a strong obsession with a dirty desire for women as usual. "I want women"... So I talked about this at a server on Discord. Of course, the desire hasn't been solved (If I want to do so, I have to face my primal loneliness at first) but I felt a certain comfort by sharing it with my friends. I went to Aeon and thought about bubbly ideas with Primal Scream's "Vanishing Point" (BTW this album must be classic even if it isn't really 'pop'). How would this life be? I can't stay still in my trauma.

I've read Jon McGregor's "If Nobody Speaks of Remarkable Things". I heard this book is from England. Indeed, I could enjoy rich details or careful descriptions of this. I was reminded of some British movies. Or I felt that it was like "Manchester By The Sea" (although this movie came from America). For example, writing something like this by me can work as one of my actions. That's the same as the breath of the work of my friend. The connection of those actions can make some kinds of "remarkable things". I exactly felt that message.

At night I went to the English conversation class, and learned about the topic "sports and hobbies". The teachers told us about the Super Bowl, and we talked if we Japanese have such a big fiesta of sports as it. I talked about Yuzuru Hanyu's retirement, which I have learned by news lightly, with the student who sat next to me. After that, we talked about baseball. Professional baseball and high school Tournament. And we also watched Abbott and Costello's skit and learned some English from it. We had the seventh time of English lesson. But I couldn't remember the student name, who sat next to me. My memorizing ability is never perfect, this is from autism?

Going back to my group home, I read Jhumpa Lahiri's "Interpret of Maladies" a little. The author writes as drew the world in watercolor. Her 'global' or 'international' style, which traces this world's reality vividly, reminded me of myself. I never think that I am a serious nationalist, but I feel comfortable if I meet various 'Japanese' things. I can feel that I have a sense of 'Japanese' when I talk to friends on Discord or other social media. That sense might work at the base of my mind like feeling comfortable with rice and soy sauce. The sense which can be eased by Yasujiro Ozu's movie scenes or Ryuichi Sakamoto's piano playing. Yes, they exactly exist in me.

2022/07/18 English

Today I worked late. In the morning I kept on reading Takashi Akutsu's book "The Journal of Reading, making a book, soup, and bread, Gravity's Rainbow". Akutsu's journal is interesting. But it's different from the thrill of the experiences of thrilling events. He writes about boring or peaceful days, but these refrains or repetition fits my mood and causes certain humor. This work lets me feel boring days as great content can come from his intelligence. How could become if this author wrote a novel? He would write as Kazushi Hosaka would be?

Once, when I read someone's blog, I found that he had written that this life was boring. I can remember Blankey Jet City's song that has a character who says "I don't want to live long". Indeed, I have been 47 years old this year, but I won't think that I am bored of this life or I have been wrong for being born in this world. I want to read books more and also learn a lot. And I want to enjoy romance and other things to enjoy. Or it is correct that this age made me want to do various activities more. When I was young, I had tried to 'notice' the world's truth.

In the afternoon, I saw some Instagram pages and found a female Chinese friend's pic. She had changed her hair color which was once black and beautiful. What happened to her? I wanted to know that so asked lightly on WeChat with a greeting. She told me that it was just a trick by photoshop. The connection with her is mysterious because we can't say if we're friends or lovers. Once I had been disliked (or hated) by girls terribly, and now I have many female friends as if God provides me as the gift for my unhappy past memories. But how do they see me? They wouldn't see me as a 'steady' I guess.

Referring to love, I have never been in love with any woman. I have never done kissing others and, of course, never done more. I had not had any worth to be loved... I had thought so long, so I feel awkward if women treat me tenderly. TBH I have some problems with physical relationships (you can see what I want to say). Or more simply, my instinct hurts as "I want women!" as in "Amarcord" by Federico Fellini. How should I treat these problems about women? Who is the best person to ask... in today's journal, I just throw away my question and that's all I can do...