Today I worked late. In the morning I kept on reading Takashi Akutsu's book "The Journal of Reading, making a book, soup, and bread, Gravity's Rainbow". Akutsu's journal is interesting. But it's different from the thrill of the experiences of thrilling events. He writes about boring or peaceful days, but these refrains or repetition fits my mood and causes certain humor. This work lets me feel boring days as great content can come from his intelligence. How could become if this author wrote a novel? He would write as Kazushi Hosaka would be?
Once, when I read someone's blog, I found that he had written that this life was boring. I can remember Blankey Jet City's song that has a character who says "I don't want to live long". Indeed, I have been 47 years old this year, but I won't think that I am bored of this life or I have been wrong for being born in this world. I want to read books more and also learn a lot. And I want to enjoy romance and other things to enjoy. Or it is correct that this age made me want to do various activities more. When I was young, I had tried to 'notice' the world's truth.
In the afternoon, I saw some Instagram pages and found a female Chinese friend's pic. She had changed her hair color which was once black and beautiful. What happened to her? I wanted to know that so asked lightly on WeChat with a greeting. She told me that it was just a trick by photoshop. The connection with her is mysterious because we can't say if we're friends or lovers. Once I had been disliked (or hated) by girls terribly, and now I have many female friends as if God provides me as the gift for my unhappy past memories. But how do they see me? They wouldn't see me as a 'steady' I guess.
Referring to love, I have never been in love with any woman. I have never done kissing others and, of course, never done more. I had not had any worth to be loved... I had thought so long, so I feel awkward if women treat me tenderly. TBH I have some problems with physical relationships (you can see what I want to say). Or more simply, my instinct hurts as "I want women!" as in "Amarcord" by Federico Fellini. How should I treat these problems about women? Who is the best person to ask... in today's journal, I just throw away my question and that's all I can do...