2022/06/20 English

This afternoon I had a chance to see a woman who had met once at an English conversation class. She praised my English and told me about another English meeting in this city. Of course, I felt very thankful for her kindness. I heard that on the 3rd of July they will have a new one so I will attend it. Ah, when I had learned English literature at Waseda University, I couldn't imagine that learning English enables me to meet various people and make strong connections. If I attend there, I want to show them how I can speak English. How would it work?

I started thinking that I can open my history in the English conversation class (I have kept having this idea). In other words, I should talk about that once I had learned English literature at Waseda University... TBH I kept this secret there. Because I couldn't find any chance to say about this and also, I don't like the people who change their attitudes if they learned about Waseda. Where university the person graduated from should not be an important fact if we judge the person's core character.

Where is the core of my character? This might sound strange but I am a person who enjoys life in Shiso city and respects Wittgenstein and Haruki Murakami. I also have an interest in Jean-Luc Godard's movies. That's me. I like listening to Kenji Ozawa's "The Dogs Bark But The Caravan Moves On" and reading Akira Asada's columns. I prefer living an ordinary life and that's me. So I didn't think that Waseda was not the essence I should open to them. But I might have to confess about it and show myself more.

As I might write once, I have never thought that I wanted to go to Waseda. I had given up on Waseda because it needed too high smartness. And also I had no ambition or desire to enter there and do something. But I tried to do the exam thinking "life is to enjoy challenging" and passed as the result. This is the fact for me. I think that the people who are connected with me must be as awesome as Waseda. They know about global politics well and also have an interest in the metaverse. That kind of 'street wise' attracts me.

2022/06/20

今日昼に、英会話教室で知り合った方とお話しする機会があった。その方は私の英語力を認めて下さって、市内の施設で行われている英語関係の集いを紹介して下さった。もちろん、非常にありがたいことだ。来月3日にまた集いがあるということなので行ってみようと思う。ああ、早稲田で英文学を習っていた頃はまさか英語を鍛えることがこんな風に自分の人脈を広げることになるとは想像もつかなかった。施設に行ったら、私自身の英語力がどれほどのものか見てもらえたらと思っている。果たしてどういう結果になるのだろう。

それで、前々から思っていたことなのだけれど私は英会話教室で自分の来歴を明かしてみてもいいのではないかと考え始めた。つまり、早稲田大学第一文学部英文学専修というところで英語を学んだという話をしてもいいのではないか、と……私は実を言うと、このことは英会話教室で伏せていた。明かすきっかけがなかったからというのもあるし、私は元来「早稲田」の3文字を口にしたら態度が変わる類の人というのが苦手なのだった。私はどこの大学を出たかということはその人の本質を見抜く上で大した材料にはなりえないのではないかと思っている。

私の本質はどこか。自分からこういうことを言うのも変だが、私という人間は宍粟市の生活を気ままに楽しんでおり、ウィトゲンシュタインや村上春樹を尊敬しゴダールの映画に興味を持つ、そんな人なのだと思っている。小沢健二『犬は吠えるがキャラバンは進む』を愛聴し浅田彰のコラムを読み、平凡な生き方を好むそんな人なのだと。それが私の本質なので、「早稲田」のことはことさらに明かす理由もないように思って今まで語らなかった。でも、自分をオープンにするという意味で（もちろん自慢するのではなく）ひとつ言ってみるのもいいかな、と思い始めたのだった。

前にも書いたかもしれないが、私は「早稲田」に行きたいと思ったことはなかった。入れるわけがないと思って諦めていたというのもあるし、入って何をしたいという野望も欲もなかったのだ。だが「どうせ人生一度きりなんだから」と思って受けたら受かったので通ったという、当事者の視点からすればそんな話である。すごい、ということで言えば今ミーティングでつながらせてもらっている人たちの方がよほどすごい。世界情勢に詳しかったり、メタバースについていち早くチェックしたりしている。そういうストリートワイズとでも言うべきものに私は憧れてしまう。

2022/06/19 English

Today we had an online meeting about autism. Caring corona, we had it on ZOOM. This time I talked about how I have done my activity on Clubhouse. I had started using it with the recommendation of a person who is from the Shiso International Association. And I had met Judith. We had done a collaboration. and so on... I thought that it's good for me to meet various people. They had opened the doors to go out. And the activity I am doing with speaking English will go on. If I have another room on Clubhouse, I want to do a presentation at this meeting about autism. Other members also have done interesting presentations and I could enjoy them.

After the meeting, I went to Aeon to make my mind neat. Aeon was really crowded. The people/customers there never know about our meeting I thought. It shows the fact that we are based on quite a different point of view. A philosopher/ideologue Jonathan Haidt says about the separation in America, which has been brought about by social media. We, and these people, are living in a 'different nation' in Japan. We can describe this phenomenon so... Like 'Japan 1' and 'Japan 2'. It reminds me of Steve Erickson's novel.

I wrote many ideas on a memo pad to make my mind defragmented. Cleaning up... and after that, I read Tetsuya Furuta's "The First Wittgenstein". I have been attracted by Wittgenstein, so I have tried to read his books as "Tractatus Logico-philosophicus" and "Philosophical Investigations", and also read many guidebooks about him by my way. In this guidebook by Tetsuya Furuta, he explains that once Wittgenstein had tried to end the history of philosophy by quite a pure recognition, and he had started to think about the problems of his philosophy again. It lets me imagine that Wittgenstein had been liberated from this world, and came from such an angelic stage to this world again.

I thought that what we could learn from his philosophy wasn't 'what' he had discussed in his works. All we can learn are the passion and purity of his discussion. 'How' did he discuss his problems... In a way, Wittgenstein must be a great teacher of philosophy (Indeed, once he had been a teacher for a living). Can I think about my problem like him? I should do a pure, passionate philosophy... Of course, all I can do is just to have 'my' problem and think about it clearly as possible. I must not be afraid of possible isolation to keep on thinking. I have to dig my own hole to reach the stage which Wittgenstein had said "Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent".

2022/06/19

今日は発達障害を考えるミーティングがあった。コロナに気をつけて、ZOOMでオンラインで開く。私は今回はclubhouseで自分がどのような活動を行っているかを話した。宍粟市国際交流協会の方から薦められて登録してみたこと、そしてジュディスさんと出会ったこと、彼女とコラボしたこと、などなど。様々な方との出会いが私の世界を広げてくれたことがありがたいと思った。そして、私の英語を活かした活動はまだまだこれからも続く。今度clubhouseで自分が発表する時は、この発達障害に関するミーティングについて話したいと思っている。他の方の発表も興味深く、楽しいひと時となった。

そのミーティングが終わった後、自分の頭の中を整理すべくイオンに行った。イオンは混んでいた。ここにいる人たちは私が参加したミーティングのことを知らないのだな、と思った。つまりまったく異なる価値観で動いているということだな、と。ジョナサン・ハイトという思想家がアメリカで起こった、ソーシャルメディアがもたらした「分断」について語っているのを思い出した。私たちと、ここにいる人たちはもはや別の国に住んでいると言っても過言ではないのではないか……「日本1」と「日本2」というように。何だかスティーヴ・エリクソンの小説みたいだけど。

イオンで自分の頭の中を「デフラグ」すべくメモパッドに自分の思っていることを書き出し、整理する。それが終わった後に古田徹也『はじめてのウィトゲンシュタイン』を読む。ウィトゲンシュタインという哲学者に惹かれるようになって、『論理哲学論考』『哲学探究』を徒手空拳で読み返し解説書を読むようになった。古田徹也のこのガイドブックでは、ウィトゲンシュタインが一度は透徹した認識で哲学を語る営みを終わらせようとしたこと、そして再び彼自身の問題に取り組み始めたことを解説している。それはあたかもウィトゲンシュタインが一度はこの世界から「解脱」したこと、そしてそんな天使的な境地からまた人間に戻ったということをイメージさせる。

ウィトゲンシュタインの書いたものから学ぶべきは、彼がどんなことについて議論したかということではないと思った。むしろ彼がどう議論したか、その考察の身振りというか考え抜く情熱や愚直さそのものではないか。その意味でウィトゲンシュタインは立派な「哲学の教師」なのだろう（彼自身、実際に学校の教師をして生計を立てた時期があったという）。私はウィトゲンシュタインのような清らかな考察ができているだろうか。もちろん、私は私の興味のある問題をしつこく考え抜くことしかできない。そうして考え抜く過程で孤立することを恐れてはならないのだろう。そして「語りえぬものについては沈黙しなければならない」という彼の言葉に倣って、「沈黙」するところまで思考を掘り下げなければならない……。

2022/06/18 English

Truman Capote declared that “I'm an alcoholic. I'm a drug addict. I'm homosexual. I'm a genius”. TBH once I had thought that I might be a genius so I had to live this difficult life and become an alcoholic. The ecstasy and anxiety of being chosen, these two are in me... today I played with this idea at lunchtime. I might be a genius... but this idea didn't suit me. Yes, I am not a genius.

Once a Japanese comedian Hitoshi Matsumoto had kept writing the aggressive columns for a weekly magazine to seek his ideal comedy. It caused a few troubles. Or I can remember that Yoshinori Kobayashi, a Japanese manga artist expressed the "Gomanism Declaration" and said he was a genius... I believe that these two artists have done great work in their lives and therefore they can be called geniuses (I am honest). But I also think that it must be troublesome to live and show their talent to the world as much as they can. I can't live with the pressure of being proud of myself. I can live just as a tiny citizen and that's my life.

I started reading Akira Abe's "A simple life". This novel has the concept of writing his middle-aged (the same age as me) reflection modestly and his ordinary daily life as a writer steadily. I have read this three times and found that it has no wasted parts. Once I had been into extraordinary content (fantasy or science-fiction) as light novels, Haruki Murakami's and Ryu Murakami's novels. But recently I have been attracted by the novels which describe ordinary life with extraordinary style. By the way, I talked to the staff of my group home and learned that she reads Yiyun Li. I have never read Yiyun Li so I want to try to read her.

I remember... I have wanted to stand by the ordinary or snob side of the world (this might sound too bold). I have been attracted by Fishmans's and Kenji Ozawa's music because they express this 'ordinary' aspect of the world. For the same reasons, I have been attracted by Kazushi Hosaka's and Toshiyuki Horie's novels. And probably Osamu Hashimoto's opinions are based on this philosophy I believe. I am now breathing and alive. This happiness... the moment which never comes back. Now. I am living now. Ah, once I had been ashamed of being born in this world. But now I am (trying) making philosophy of saying yes to this world. This might be one of the essences of the world.

2022/06/18

トルーマン・カポーティは「ぼくはアルコール依存症だ。ぼくはドラッグ中毒者だ。ぼくは同性愛者だ。ぼくは天才だ」と宣言（？）した。私自身も、自分がこんなにも生きづらい思いをしてアルコール依存症に陥り、不幸のズンドコに陥らなければならないのは自分が天才だからではないかと思ったこともあるのだった。「選ばれてあることの恍惚と不安と二つ我にあり」……今日、ランチタイムにこの考えを弄んでみた。自分は天才ではないか……だがこの考えは自分にしっくりくるものではなかった。やはり自分は天才ではない。

かつて松本人志が、ゴールデンタイムのテレビ番組で自分の信じる笑いを追及していた頃週刊誌のコラムで物議を醸す内容の文章を書いていたのを思い出す。あるいは小林よしのりが『ゴーマニズム宣言』で自分が天才であることを誇示していたこと……私はこの2人はカリスマと呼ばれるに値する表現者だと思っているが（本音です）、自分の才能をここまで誇示して人を圧倒させる生き方というのもしんどいだろうなと思ったことを思い出す。私には到底そんなプレッシャーと戦い続ける生き方は務まらない。やはり地に足の付いた、小市民的な生き方が向いているようだ。

阿部昭『単純な生活』を読み始めた。中年（私とほぼ同い年）に差し掛かった作家が自分の慎ましい生活を語り、日々を綴るというそんなコンセプトで書かれた小説だ。3度目くらいの再読になるが、実にムダのない清らかな小説だ。ある種の滋養とでも呼ぶべきものを感じる。かつては私も非日常を追及したライトノベルや村上春樹、あるいは村上龍の小説を読み漁ったが今は平凡を非凡に描く小説に惹かれるものを感じている。そういえば私が知るグループホームの世話人さんがイーユン・リーの小説を読んでいるのを知る。イーユン・リーは読んだことがないので近々試してみようと思った。

考えてみれば、私はずっとそんな風にして（ある意味ものすごくエラソーな表現をするが）「普通」「平凡」「世俗」の側に立ちたいと思ってきたのだった。私が心惹かれてきたフィッシュマンズや小沢健二の音楽だってそういうものだろうし、保坂和志や堀江敏幸の小説だってそういう作品だろう。橋本治が言いたかったこともそういうことだと解釈している。今、こうして息をして今を生きている、その幸せ……二度と戻ってこない今、かけがえのない今を生きることの大事さ。思えばずっと自分が生まれてきたことを恥じてきた自分が、今こうして生きることを肯定する哲学を編んでいる（つもりだ）。この不思議さもまた人生の謂だろう。

2022/06/17 English

I started reading Yoshikichi Furui's "The Passage of Chimes". I remember that I will be 47 this year. But even at this age, I have never dated anyone so marriage is a dream. My life has been separated from any beautiful youth. In "The Passage of Chimes", Furui describes the view of death and insight of the people who are precisely getting aged, and that sensitivity impressed me. Me, thinking as "why can my life be like this?" and live in the 50s, and will die. Indeed, 'forever young at heart' might not be cool. But I won't think that 'this life must be boring' is cool. I can feel that this period is easier to live for me, and also it gives me something tasteful.

I have never lived in any youth. I always thought about how to live with this difficulty easier, and read Haruki Murakami's books and also various bubbly books. Philosophical books and literature... and I had tried to keep on living alone. I have never had any chance of romance and just thought that books and music were my friends... Listen to and read, and think about various things. As Chemical Brothers say, 'Dig Your Own Hole'. And I have arrived here. I have a certain pride in this result I have built throughout my life. I make myself so deeper...

I have no good memories of the Shiso city I'm living in. When I was bullied, I even thought that I couldn't go out because it was dangerous. If I went out, there would be the eyes of dangerous classmates... After graduating from the school, I have never met any ex-classmates again. I would not attend anymore. But now I want to support the people who try to make this city cheerful and crowded as a citizen. I remember my childhood. Everyone blamed me and looked down at me... I thought that I never had any permission of being in this world. I had been ashamed of being in this world. But I choose to live. I keep on being alive.

Anyway, I have to live this life. That's all I can do. I don't have anything I want to do so I write my diary and also work. I also read books and think about various things. I am not interested in making money. I just sink into my philosophy and be myself without any wasted effort. But of course, this lifestyle might be hard if I had no will to keep on. In my 20s, I had read Paul Auster and Steven Millhauser. From that period, I have never changed anything in myself. Yes, this life can happen in this world. I want to be called as 'Eric Hoffer in our generation!'... I had such a silly idea.